BLOG

by Jasmine Mauss, LCMFT

Friday, June 27th, 2024

Many couples report that it is extremely challenging to know when to walk away from an argument. One (or both) partners may have the emotional stamina to keep the conversation going for longer than is constructive. Although it may seem that we will reach a faster resolution this way, marathon fights can often do more damage than actual repair. Each person needs to take mutual responsibility to monitor the argument, assess if they are “past the point of no return,” and press the pause button on the conversation when necessary. Some signs that may signal you are in a non-constructive argument: rising intensity of volume, “low-blows” or snide comments, one person getting suddenly quiet, name-calling, and impenetrable defensiveness. As couple therapists, we often see common non-constructive argument trends. Below, we take a look at a few of these trends in more detail and illustrate why both partners need to do their part to disengage tactfully.

1. The Argument Goes in Circles –If the argument has exceeded forty-five minutes it is likely that you and your partner are saying the same things over and over again, just in different ways. I hear many couples say “we just go in circles” and return back to the original argument/same topics. If this is the case, it is likely that your conversation is stuck in a continuous feedback loop. Some remedies for this issue include: expressing more validation and understanding for your partner’s experience, stopping to talk about one person’s concern at a time, and calling out the repetitive nature of the conversation when you notice that you or your partner are repeating the same points. Being mindful of when this happens will save both people time, energy, and risk of resentment building up.2. Someone Shuts Down – Most couples have experienced an argument where one partner (or both) lose energy for the fight and begin to shut down. After continuous back and forth with no resolve, somebody begins to tap out of the conversation. You may notice that your partner’s mood has shifted into a more apathetic, exhausted, or resigned demeanor. While this can sometimes be perceived as rudeness, it is actually likely that there is emotional fatigue beginning to set in. It is likely that you or your partner may be feeling overwhelmed and flooded, no longer having the capacity to continue the conversation. In fact, people even have a mechanism in the brain that shuts off our “reasoning and rationalizing” abilities when we have experienced too intense a bout of “fight or flight.” It is important to respect this, give our brain and body a time-out, and return to the conversation when we are feeling more regulated and grounded.3. Getting Out of Character –What often makes arguments feel as torturous as they do, is the propensity for them to get more intense and damaging as they continue to escalate. All of us have an unconscious bag of defensive strategies that come out when we are feeling hurt or triggered. Some of the strategies are more adaptive, resourceful and effective than others. Healthy strategies will often lead towards diffusion of the argument and repair of the tension. Maladaptive strategies start to take on a more contemptuous, vicious, and vindictive nature. If you start to feel like you are breaking out of your normal character, or acting in a way that doesn’t align with your relationship values, it is probably time to take a break in the conversation. Think about whether or not you are showing up as your best self to the conversation. If the answer is no, time to pause!

by Meg Tenny, LCMFT

May 17th, 2024

One of the main complaints heard from the partners in couple therapy is that their partner is not listening and “does not hear them.” Partners want to be seen and feel heard. They want their feelings to be validated and their concerns to be understood by their spouses. Couples specifically enact an argument cycle that leaves each partner feeling more disconnected from their spouse. Given that it is such a common complaint, and at the same time, integral to improving couple communication and by extension, couple relationships, here are some simple tips to help you hear your partner.

1. Don’t Interrupt – There are very few things in a conversation that are as frustrating as being interrupted by the person you are speaking to. Do you interrupt your partner when they are talking? If you are worried that you won’t remember a point that you want to make, you can always write it down. If you interrupt your partner, they are likely interpreting that you deem your thoughts and feelings more important than theirs. It is a clear and negative signal to them that you are not ready to listen or to hear them out.
2. Slow Down – Most couples who struggle with hearing their partners’ concerns have a very fast-paced fight cycle. That is to say, when they argue, they are playing a fast game of ping pong back and forth with little regard for what the other person is trying to share. Not only are they interrupting, but it usually results in no one hearing the other as everyone tries to make their own point or defend themselves. Slow down the conversation to really hear your partner and what the concern may be before getting defensive and reacting.
3. Check Your Reactivity – It takes two people to keep an argument going. Have you ever been in an argument with a person who refuses to argue? It doesn’t get very far. Due to relationship history and a lack of emotional safety, couples get stuck in communication cycles that don’t benefit them. Much of the behavior of not listening stems from high reactivity and defensiveness. If this is you, you should take a look at it. Why are you so reactive? Why do you often counter with defensiveness? You stand to benefit from examining your internal emotions that may drive this need to protect yourself. A therapist may be able to assist you in sorting out and analyzing your feelings around it. Checking your own reactivity with your partner can help bring down the walls that act as obstacles to you really hearing your partner and having a closer connection to them.If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the ears are the portal to the heart. To be heard is to be loved and respected. It means that your thoughts and feelings are important and that you matter.

by John Hart, PhD, LCMFT

Friday, April 19th, 2024

Now that spring is officially here, couples are excited about the various levels of connection they can have with each other outside of their homes. It’s time to have fun! Cherry blossom season is here, musical, and cultural events are gearing up, and cities such as Columbia, Baltimore, and even D.C. are mobilizing to be hotspots for all forms of fun attractions for couples in the DMV area. Although the warmer temperatures and the sun shining gives all of us a positive outlook on life, couples still struggle to explore ways that they can have fun together. Issues with communicating wants, troubles with planning fun times, as well as being emotionally available and engaged during these fun moments have historically impacted couples around the idea of having fun together. Who would have thought that couples would experience many levels of conflict when having fun together? But it happens. Having fun as a couple is a major priority for relationships. Below are three tips for couples who are interested in how to have more fun together while managing any form of conflict or disagreement.

1. Make It Collaborative – It is wise that when planning a fun time together, couples do it collaboratively. It is important to be open, flexible, creative, and easy-going when planning a fun time together. Imagine this—how likely are we to experience fun with our partners if the planning of the fun time itself was a disaster? Planning fun time together can be a moment of quality time and we should be positive as we embark on an upcoming bonding moment. Don’t destroy the potential of the fun time by not working collaboratively when planning.
2. Consider Disruptions – To enjoy your fun time together, it is critical to consider the many influences that could disrupt the fun. Factors such as weather, childcare, illness, and finances pose various complications for you and your partner’s time together. This form of planning allows both partners to practice another critical relationship skill—problem solving. Try problem solving and creating alternative plans based on the factors that could impact your intentional time together.
3. Debrief Together – One of the things that gets overlooked after we have had a fun time with our partners is intentionally having a debrief. “Debrief” refers to a conversation between both partners during which they reflect on:
a.  Appreciations about each other based on their time together,
b. What you enjoyed, what you didn’t enjoy, what changes would you make for next time?
c. Having an idea of the next time you both will go have fun (note: this is not about scheduling the next fun time, but it is always helpful to say “let’s try having fun together again in a couple of weeks.”)

by Jannel Thomas, LCMFT

March 8th, 2024

Apologies are a great relationship tool that can help partners feel heard, seen, and understood. They are a chance for partners to acknowledge their role in the harm that has been done. They also create an opportunity for healthy communication by showing that you care about your partner’s perspective and feelings. However, apologies are not always received well or accepted by your partner. This can lead you to questioning: what went wrong? Here are some factors to consider when attempting to apologize to your partner:

1. Body Language – It is important for you to convey that your apology is sincere through open body language. Examples of open body language include eye contact, open posture, warm tone of voice, facing your partner directly, and being focused on your partner. If you do not use open body language when apologizing, you may unintentionally be communicating to your partner that your apology is not genuine or honest which is the opposite of what you want. In other words, when issuing an apology, it is important to be mindful of what you are communicating non-verbally, in addition to your word choice.
2. Word Choice – Be intentional about what you want to say when you apologize. A good apology takes ownership of your actions and its consequences. Avoid the word “but” when issuing an apology as it can invalidate anything that you said before it. For example, if you say, “I’m sorry, but you were making me feel upset.” This shifts the blame to your partner and thus deflects from you taking responsibility for your role in the interaction. Although it may take more work, planning out your apology ahead of time can help decrease the possibility of future conflict.
3. Validate Your Partner’s Feelings – Validation can be seen as a recognition that your partner’s feelings and opinions are worthwhile. An example might be, “I can understand why you were angry with me today.” Acknowledging your partner’s feelings conveys that you respect their feelings and care about them. Validating your partner’s feelings also communicates that you have good intentions in the apology.

Apologizing is not always easy. It can be hard to admit that you’re wrong, especially to someone you care about. However, apologies can go a long way in relationships as they usually have a positive impact on your partner and you! Hopefully by keeping these tips in mind your apology will resonate positively with your partner.

By Diamond Greene, LCMFT

January 29th, 2024

As the new year begins, many of us are embarking on journeys to improve our lives and setting resolutions related to mental health. However, sustaining these goals can be challenging amidst the rigors of daily life. Thus, our goals are often unmet, and we are left feeling discouraged. Check out these tips to help you maintain your mental health goals throughout the year and build a foundation for lasting well-being.

1. Establish Realistic Goals – The first step in maintaining your mental health goals is to set realistic and achievable targets. Understand your limitations and create objectives that align with your current circumstances. For instance, attaching a goal to a habit that you have already established will help make a new goal more manageable. Additionally, instead of overwhelming yourself with broad or unrealistic goals, break them down into smaller, manageable steps. By setting achievable milestones, you’ll build a sense of accomplishment, boosting your motivation to continue your mental health journey throughout the year.

1. Prioritize Self-Care – Maintaining mental health goals requires consistent self-care practices. Prioritize activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment. This could include activities such as mindfulness exercises, regular physical activity, proper sleep hygiene, and nurturing social connections. Treat self-care not as a luxury but as a necessity for your well-being. Incorporating these habits into your routine will create a supportive environment for sustaining your mental health goals, helping you navigate challenges with resilience and a positive mindset.

1. Monitor Progress – Regularly assess your progress toward your mental health goals. Reflect on what is working well and what might need adjustment. Be flexible and willing to adapt your strategies as life circumstances evolve. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small, and use setbacks as opportunities for learning and growth. By staying attuned to your progress, you can make informed decisions about refining your approach, ensuring that your mental health goals remain relevant and achievable throughout the year.

As you navigate the path towards better mental health in the new year, remember to set realistic goals, prioritize self-care, and regularly assess and adjust your strategies. By incorporating these three steps into your journey, you’ll not only sustain your mental health goals but also foster a long-lasting commitment to well-being. Embrace the process, be kind to yourself, and build a foundation for a healthier and more fulfilling life!

by Wilson A. Llerena, LCMFT

October 31, 2023

Sometimes, life can get pretty busy. So busy that we lose track of the important things in life. Unfortunately, that could end up being the people we care about most. At the end of a long workweek, we may be lacking energy to commit to being present for the relationship.

Whether you are newly married or are about to celebrate your 25^th wedding anniversary, all relationships go through tough times. What will make it last is continuing to be mindful and keeping the relationship a top priority. Here are some ways to re-ignite the relationship and keep the fire burning during these chilly fall evenings.

1. Create Daily Rituals – While it is always good to have some spontaneity in your life, relationships in general thrive on structure and routine. It can be helpful to find some consistency in connection with your relationship. These could be things you and your partner used to do but got away from, or new rituals you want to create. Daily affirmations, phone calls during lunch, or good morning texts can go a long way to showing your partner that you are thinking about them when you aren’t with them.
2. Be Intentional with Quality Time – It is really easy to come home from a long day at the office and turn on your favorite tv show with your partner. We are hopeful that our weekends will be filled with fun and adventure, but it can sometimes be more television if we don’t plan properly. Be pro-active with your quality time. Schedule date nights in advance, plan indoor and outdoor weekend activities, and aim to be more present rather than just going through the motions.
3. Discover New Interests Together – As stated earlier, spontaneity, every once in a while, is a good thing. That thing you want to do that you never did? Now may be the time to give it a try with your partner. Find new hobbies and activities that challenge you or take you out of your comfort zone. Trying a new sport, traveling to new places, experimenting with new cuisine, or even starting a new tradition together can be a great way to reconnect.

by Meg Tenny, LCMFT

Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

“Going to a counselor or therapist when you’re feeling sad or overwhelmed should be as normal as going to the doctor when you have the flu. Let’s end the stigma about mental health.” – Peaceful Parenting

September is suicide prevention month and October is depression and mental health awareness month. There remains much stigma surrounding mental health issues and getting the appropriate professional help for them. One strong stigma against getting help might include the belief that you are “crazy” or “defective.” We receive many messages from our wider communities regarding whether it is acceptable or even desirable to seek help for common mental health issues like depression, anxiety or substance abuse.

That is also to say that stigma still abounds against couples being able to get professional assistance with their relationships. One partner in the couple often refuses to attend couple therapy. This may be due, in large part, to stigmas against utilizing couple therapy or having to admit that help is needed. What couple therapists at RCC often see is that couples have waited years to get help and would have benefited from starting therapy earlier.

What can we do to work against couple therapy stigma?

1. Be Willing to Try – Trying something new and different that requires vulnerability can be scary. Our couple therapists are interested in having a transparent conversation about what is happening in the relationship and we understand that this can be upsetting, frightening and painful. But we are here to support you to get to an emotionally safe space where you can put the work into your relationship.
2. Don’t Let Fear Dictate Your Decisions – Stigma has a way of infiltrating attitudes and belief systems, particularly if you hear it from those around you. Educate yourself about positive mental health and relationship solutions. Stigma can cause a great amount of self-doubt and shame, and turn you away from seeking help. Don’t let stigma dictate your decisions about receiving help; this is akin to letting fear command your life choices.
3. Take a Calculated Risk in Sharing – Many couples seek therapy for relationship issues but you often will not hear about it. If you take a calculated risk to share that you and your partner are having issues and are considering couple therapy with a loved one whom you trust, you might be surprised to hear that they also have had difficulty in their relationships and sought couple therapy. Most couples are very private about relationship problems and seeking help, however, if you initiate the conversation, you might be surprised by their responses, which may be the opposite of stigma.

Text 988 (24/7 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) if you are struggling with a mental health crisis and need to talk to someone.

by Jasmine Mauss, LCMFT

June 23, 2023

As creatures of habit, we tend to build our sense of safety and security from our own behavioral repetition. Through our weekly schedules, morning routines, and predictable relationships, we are able to rest comfortably in the familiarity of our lives. While this process provides a necessary structure and stability for us to depend on, the novelty and happier moments of our lives can be easily missed and overlooked. What would it look like to refocus our attention on the existing joys in our life? If we mentally shift out of our typical default settings and break out of the autopilot trap, we can appreciate the smaller beauties that our day-to-day has to offer us. There are so many, if we actually pay attention! Here are a few tips on how to cultivate mindfulness to appreciate the fullness that is already your life.

1. Cultivate Childlike Wonder – Think back to when you were a child, experiencing new moments for the very first time! Your first day of school, your first sport event, falling in love for the first time. There is a childlike awe and wonder that is felt when we are experiencing something with fresh, new eyes. There were so many questions we would ask as children. What’s this? How does this work? Where did this come from? If we view life as a continual platform for growth, we can keep that childlike mindset alive and curious. Apply some of that same curiosity and amazement for the small things that already exist. Perhaps it is trying out a new recipe, taking your dog on a walk, or admiring your partner’s laughter. Is there something new to learn here or admire about the experience? Pretend like this very moment is the first time you’ve experienced it. Better yet, search deeply for the beauty that has always been within it.
2. Savor Moments – Unfortunately, negative experiences get imprinted within our memories like stubborn stains. It is far more difficult to reflect on the happier and more joyous aspects of our past experiences. In order for any given moment to be transformed into a memory, we have to attach an emotional value to it. Fear not! You have the power to do this in real time, and with positive memories and associations. Next time you feel a wave of happiness, take a moment to pause and deeply savor it. Take note of the things happening around you: the people you are with, the environment it occurred in, and all the details of that present moment. Observe the way happiness feels in your body. Soak up all of the goodness of that very moment and observe your experience through a newfound lens of appreciation. The more you practice this, the greater the gratitude you will feel.
3. Practice Gratitude Reflections – Speaking of gratitude – studies show that having a consistent gratitude practice is one of the strongest interventions against anxiety and depression. Who knew that such a simple incorporation of thought could be such a natural prevention for poor mental health. It makes sense! The more joy you notice in your life, the less room for negative thoughts and worries. Take a few moments at the end of each day and write down a couple of things that went well. ‘My boss gave me an extension for my deadline,’ ‘I felt really connected to my partner today.’ Even on our worst days, it is likely we can find something worth feeling happy about. And when we add them all up, we find there are far more there than we even realized.

With intention, mindfulness, and gentle awareness, you can ensure that these moments are never again glossed over and forgotten. Even amidst the familiar monotony of our every-day lives, we can always pause to find more presence, power, and appreciation in those moments.

by John Hart, PhD, LCMFT

April 14th, 2023

A prime indicator of a healthy relationship is the presence of an emotionally safe space. Emotionally safe spaces are critical to connecting with our relationship partners as it allows us to feel valued, comfortable, seen, and understood. Couples who consistently provide an emotionally safe space to discuss their relationship matters tend to report higher satisfaction and closer connection to their partners. Safe spaces make difficult conversations relatively easier because the safety that people feel in this kind of relational environment allows for vulnerability, transparency, and less judgment. On the other hand, emotionally unsafe relationships are filled with tension, disconnect and defensiveness. Partners in these kinds of relationships report walking on eggshells and being unable to relax around their partner. If you and/or your partner are struggling with creating an emotionally safe space, it is important to seek couple therapy from an MFT as we are well-trained in systemically reshaping an emotionally unsafe space into a safe one that benefits both partners. Here are a few tips on ways to create an emotionally safe space in your relationship:

1. Be an Active Listener – Listening is the hallmark of emotional safety in a relationship. Great listeners do two things very well – being active and being attentive. One of the ways to show up as an active listener would be to take the time and reflect what you heard your partner said and give good non-verbal communication. An attentive listener is one who provides undivided attention (e.g., no distractions), provides consistent eye contact, and is fully engaged.
   2. Be Curious, Not Judgmental – It is far more beneficial to be curious than judgmental in relationships. I always recommend to clients that asking thoughtful, open-ended questions is a great way to show curiosity. Your partner will perceive you as engaged and want to open up more. Stay away from being judgmental as it will spark defensiveness in your partner and that tends to lead to negative reactions or shutting down.
   3. Be a Cheerleader – People who report higher levels of couple satisfaction tend to voice feeling encouraged and supported by their partner. I recommend being your partner’s biggest cheerleader – encourage them when they are feeling down, celebrate their achievements, and maintain some level of positivity. On the other hand, stay away from criticizing your partner, mocking or making fun of them, and dismissing their experiences. In emotionally safe spaces, it is not about being right per se, it is about having a relaxing moment that is filled with love and support that fosters openness.