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by Lauren Anderson, LCMFT

Every new year, many of us come up with resolutions for ourselves as individuals: lose 10 pounds, find a new job, start meditating, etc. But have you ever thought about resolutions for your relationship? Your relationship needs just as much maintenance as you do and, if you find yourself unsatisfied a lot of the time, it could be due for a little sprucing up. So, why not sit down with your partner and make a relationship resolution or two?

Here are three steps to help you set resolutions that can be easy – and even fun – to achieve:

1.   Brainstorm A Few Ideas Together
A conversation about relationship resolutions might start off with some broad goals like these:
●     Spend more time together
●     Have fewer arguments
●     Have more sex
●     Go to couples counseling

2.   Get Specific
The goals above are great places to start, but you want resolutions to be really clear, so they can be achievable. We can’t get somewhere if we don’t know where we’re going. So, if you want to spend more time together, what does that mean? A date night once a month or once a week? If you want to have fewer arguments, what are you going to do to make that happen? Read a relationship book together? Go to counseling? Being specific about your goals helps the chances of reaching them and reduces the odds of disappointment and arguments down the road.

3.   Set Deadlines and Check-Ins
Put these resolutions and any related appointments, purchases, or engagements on a calendar. Share in these responsibilities and make sure you’re clear about who is doing what. Don’t make assumptions about who’s going to make the dinner reservations. Be clear and direct. Arrange check-ins with your partner to monitor your resolution progress.

It might seem strange to do such structured, scheduled activities with your partner, but working on a project together as a team can strengthen your bond. That may be just what you need to reconnect and enliven your relationship.

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

‘Tis the season to figure out two important things heading into the holidays – what your plans are for spending time with both sides of the family and what your plans are for securing couple time. This conversation tends to be complicated, stressful and annoying right before the joyful holiday season. One of the prominent issues that couples struggle with when having this conversation is that both partners are primarily, and at times solely, focused on meeting the needs of their respective families of origin. Couples forget that they also need to set healthy boundaries with their families to save some couple time. Couple time is necessary because time with families can be stressful and it allows the couple to decompress and focus on one other. Before the guilt creeps in, please know that it is possible to split time between your families and your partner. Here are three steps to be successful:

1. Communicate Explicitly: Sounds easy, right? This is a basic step that can be easily overlooked. Many times our partners assume that we already know what specific plans and traditions they and their family want to engage in. This assumption leads to a communication breakdown. Because we are not mind readers, make sure you and your partner explicitly communicate with each other the needs of both families and the needs of your partner for alone time. That way you and your partner can make the appropriate adjustments beforehand.

2. Prioritize Both Individual and Joint Goals: It is important to work with your partner to prioritize individual and joint goals for the holidays. This is vital to ensure that you respect the needs of one other while giving priority to your goals as a couple. When prioritizing goals make sure that it involves both partners and that it is not just one partner dictating to the other.  By prioritizing your individual and joint goals, you and your partner show each other support, attention and consideration.

3. Negotiate in Good Faith: Work with your partner and negotiate in good faith with one other. It is essential to reach a fair agreement, to avoid building resentment in the relationship. When both partners understand that they need to give a little, they both gain a lot. You are on the same team, so don’t compete with your partner – work closely with them and get a joint plan going for the holidays.

by Meg Tenny, LCMFT

‘Tis the holiday season again and families are gearing up to spend time together celebrating. Unfortunately, holidays sometimes bring with them family conflict and strife. Strong personalities clash, old hurts resurface, and political stances collide. What is the best way to get through the holidays without allowing these powerful forces to ruin your family’s quality time together?

1. Pick Your Battles: Just like with your partner, you can pick your battles with your family. When you marry your spouse, you marry their family as well. The holidays are not the best time to bring up grievances. Decide beforehand where your boundaries lie and communicate this with your spouse. Try not to get stuck on the small things.

2. Don’t Try to Change Anybody: There is a certain amount of acceptance that comes with knowing that your family members are who they are. No matter how much you might argue with them, they might not change their beliefs. Try to focus on positive parts of the relationships instead. Remember that most people have good intentions at heart, even if it may not always be expressed appropriately.

3. Embrace the Holiday Spirit: Understand that the holidays are a short period of time and you may be better served to change your attitude about spending time together.  Going into the experience with a giving spirit can change much of your outlook and enhance the time you do have together.

by Lauren Anderson, LCMFT

Many of us grow up with the message that when we find “the one,” our partners will know us so well that we won’t ever need to tell them what we’re feeling. We’ll be so connected that we’ll “just know.” What a romantic idea! Unfortunately, this is not reality. Even after years and years together, you and your partner are different people with different needs and wants. When we assume that our partner knows what we want or should know what we want, we often end up with nothing but resentment.

For example, say your partner has recently started to come home late from work without calling or texting. You’re annoyed and so you’ve been giving your partner hints by asking questions about their late evenings or being a bit standoffish when they try to hug or kiss you when they get home. Tonight is the fifth time they’ve come home late without calling and now you’re hopping mad! How could they possibly not know how upsetting this is to you?! When they get home, you scream at them and they seem completely bewildered.

But they should know, right?

Wrong.

Sometimes we can give all the hints in the world and people still don’t get the memo. But what is a memo? A memo is a direct, written communication. A hint is indirect and assumes that your partner knows exactly what you mean. Unfortunately, though, hints are often misinterpreted or missed altogether. The solution?

1. Communicate Directly: Yes, it can be difficult to do and even a bit scary. But give it a try. In this situation, you might say something like “Hey, I start to worry when you’re not home when I expect you. Would you please send me a text when you’re working late so I don’t worry?” You can even ask for an ETA or a text when they’re on their way home.

2. Take Responsibility: If you’re the partner that consistently comes home late, it’s your responsibility to communicate directly, too. Even if you said, “Oh, I might be working late this evening…” at the beginning of the day, one text can go a long way to helping your partner feel heard and connected.

3. Avoid Mindreading: This all seems simple and maybe even a little dumb, but the cool thing about knowing your partner can’t read your mind (and by the way, you can’t read theirs) is that there’s always more to learn and discover about each other. Now THAT’S romantic!

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

In a healthy relationship, it is important to establish emotional security between partners, so that trust and intimacy can build. How does one go about improving emotional security? The best time to create security occurs when your partner is having a vulnerable emotional experience and you can act as a support. It is difficult to know how to feel, think and act during these moments of vulnerability. This is due to several reasons. First, vulnerability brings out raw and intense emotions that range from hurt and sadness to disgust and shame; these emotions are hard to identify immediately and there is no “quick fix” to resolving them. Second, we are managing our own feelings at the same time. These situations leave us in a state of confusion and feeling uncertain as to whose emotion to tend to first. Lastly, this type of situation may call for more effort and patience on your part. This is tough because we tend to be eager to resolve feelings and issues as quickly as possible. Here are three strategies to use the next time your partner is having a vulnerable emotional experience and you would like to support them:

1. Change the Physical State: One of the best ways to restore emotional security in our partner’s life is to help them calm down by slowing things down physiologically. Usually, when we are vulnerable, our thoughts and emotions are intense and are running fast. Help your partner slow down by engaging in various techniques – deep breathing, turning off any type of noise (e.g., television, radio), quieting the kids down, dimming the lights, and even getting them a cold beverage. This helps your partner slow down because it focuses on calming the body and mind. This provides a gateway to identifying and communicating feelings, rather than getting overwhelmed by them.

2. Focus on Emotions, not Events: Our favorite question to ask our partner when they are having a vulnerable emotional experience is “What happened?” It is important to ask this because we need context for what has caused so much distress. But the problem is that we focus on the event and not on the vulnerable emotions. The emotions are more important than the event. Ask these questions instead: “How are you feeling right now?”; “What are all of the emotions going on for you?”; and “How intense is your feeling?”

3. Inquire about Needs: End conversations by asking your partner: “What do you need from me right now?” This is a powerful question because it shows that you are focused on them and that you are willing to go the distance to support them, as well as that their well-being is your primary concern. These strategies will help move you forward in establishing emotional safety and security in the relationship.

by Meg Tenny, LCMFT

Intimacy is like a muscle – you need to exercise emotional intimacy in your relationship to maintain a good connection with your partner. If you feel disconnected or swept along by life, there are a few easy ways to reestablish closeness. These exercises may sound silly, but if you invest the time, they usually work or are at least good for a laugh:

1. 36 Questions: Have you heard of Arthur Aron’s 36 Questions that foster intimacy? This psychologist assembled a list of questions that “accelerate” intimacy, including things like “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” and “What is your most treasured memory?”  This exercise takes about 45 minutes and Aron’s research indicates that intimacy is sped up by vulnerability, and that even strangers can feel very close to one another after completing the list.

2. Soul Gazing: Have you really looked at your partner lately? How is your eye contact? In this exercise, face your partner squarely. You can hold hands or touch knees together, and have 5 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact without speaking. It is a simple technique, but as the minutes tick by, the awkwardness and distractions around you melt away. One variation of this intimacy exercise is the extended hug. You will find that at first, you may be tense, but after a few minutes, partners “settle” into each other and relax, and you start to feel comfortable.

3. Practice Your Partner’s Love Language: Gary Chapman wrote about “The Five Love Languages,” including physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. His concept was that each person has their own way of expressing and receiving love. You can take a quiz on Chapman’s website to determine your own love languages and your partner’s love languages. Once you figure out your partner’s love language, make an effort to meet them in their language. For example, if your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation, leave them little notes that you love them and are thinking of them. If their love language is gifts, stop on the way home and pick up their favorite ice cream. Your partner will better accept and recognize your efforts if they are in a love language that they intuitively understand.

by Lauren Anderson, LCMFT

Anger. We see it and feel it virtually everywhere these days. Our media is rife with it – from politics to entertainment – people are MAD. Anger is what Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, calls a “secondary emotion.” The idea is that some feelings actually have other emotions beneath them. Those hidden emotions are called primary emotions. The secondary emotions are simply reactions to the primary ones. Primary emotions tend to feel more vulnerable and raw. What’s usually underneath anger? Fear. Pain. Sadness. Those emotions can sometimes be a lot harder to share.

Think about the times your partner has expressed anger toward you and how you reacted. You probably got defensive or maybe even frightened, right? Would it have been easier to hear if they’d come to you saying they were scared, hurt, or upset? It’s a lot to ask, I know, especially when you’re feeling really mad! So, here are three steps to help you get in touch with and express your primary emotions in your relationship.

1. Breathe: When you’re angry, your pre-frontal cortex – the logical, decision-making part of your brain – goes offline. You literally flip your lid! It’s difficult to think clearly or rationally. So you must breathe. Try slowly counting to 5 as you breathe in and another 5 as you breathe out, five times. This will help you slow down and get the rational part of your brain back online.

2. Think: What caused that anger? Were you scared because your partner or child came home late and didn’t call? Were you hurt because your partner forgot your anniversary? Try to find the feeling beneath the anger.

3. Express: Now you’re a little calmer and you know exactly what’s bothering you. How can you communicate that to your partner in a constructive way? “I was scared when I didn’t hear from you. Could you please call me next time so I don’t worry?” Expressing your primary feelings might get you heard in a whole new way!

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

Most therapists will suggest to their couples that both partners should make time for each other as a way to maintain relationship satisfaction. I agree with this suggestion but I have started realize in my own clients that making time is not just enough anymore. As a result, I would like to take this suggestion of making time for each other to the next level and strongly recommend that when making time for your partner, make sure you are providing undivided attention. If you give your partner, or if your partner has, your undivided attention, you stop whatever else you are doing and listen to that person.

Why is this small piece of making time such a critical aspect of emotional connectedness in couples’ relationships? Think about it. We feel so important when our partner has stopped everything and has their eyes on us and is actively listening to us. We feel comfortable allowing our vulnerable feelings (feelings that sometimes struggle to come out during times of distress) to be released in a healthy way so that it is well-received. And lastly, we feel attractive knowing that our partner does not care about anything else going on in that given moment but us. Giving your partner undivided attention is one of the easiest ways to reassure our partners that they mean so much to us. There are three important things to consider when you want to provide your partner with undivided attention:

1. Clear Emotional Space: Many people think that by dropping whatever you are physically doing (e.g., washing the dishes, watching television, etc.) is enough to provide undivided attention. Not true! It is even more aggravating when we spend time with our partner and we sense that their mind is elsewhere. While it is important to stop doing what you are physically doing, there is nothing wrong with letting your partner know that you need a few minutes to “get ready” so that way you can hone in and allow yourself to be emotionally available and accessible.

2. Actively Participate: This strategy is one that can easily “slip through the cracks” in which we think for the most part that as long as we make time for our partner to spend time with us that they will be fully happy. One of the ways that your partner will feel connected to you is when you are reciprocating as much energy as they are during quality time. I know it can be hard to do this after a long day at work but the effort is important. The fact that you are actively listening, conversing, engaging in physical touch, and even bringing some positive energy to the moment, will make your partner feel special (and you will win as well).

3. Plan Together: Because time in our lives become more complicated, there is no shame in asking and planning out times with your partner where you both are able to be physically, mentally, and emotionally available to each other. Try to find days and pockets of times throughout the week that will comfortably work for the both of you. Even if it means that you both put in your business and/or personal calendars, you should do it! Making time and providing undivided attention to your partner is just as important (if not more important) than the scheduled work meetings and gym workouts.

by Meg Tenny, LCMFT

Research shows that caring for a pet can decrease stress and anxiety, and improve overall emotional well-being. But pets also provide us with some important lessons on love. Dogs, in particular, show us what unconditional love is and how to love, no strings attached. Dogs can teach us how to go about building healthier attachments with our humans. What works for dogs can work for people too.
1. Bark Less, Listen More: You wouldn’t be the first dog owner to admit that you talk to your dog about your problems, out loud and frequently. Dogs are phenomenal listeners. They will give you undivided attention without interruption. Your dog might even give you a cuddle and make you feel better. Wouldn’t it be nice if our loved ones could do the same for us – to listen without disruption, without offering advice or opinion? Often, people need to work out their emotions verbally and benefit more from the act of being heard by another.

2. Love with Ridiculous Abandon: Is there anything better than coming home at the end of the day to a wagging tail? If you are a dog owner, one of the best parts of your day is arriving home and your pooch being thrilled to see you again. It is the equivalent to your partner’s face lighting up when you walk into the room. You are loved and your presence was missed. Your dog loves you unconditionally, despite the dumb things you’ve done, despite your quirks and your faults. You are wonderful and imperfectly perfect just the way you are. If people loved as fully and faithfully as dogs, human relationships would be more trusting, connected, and joyful.

3. Be 100% Present: To a dog, or to any non-human animal for that matter, only this moment matters. Dogs don’t anticipate the future or dwell on the past. They are one-hundred percent focused on the events of the now. How many times has your depression about past events or your anxiety about the future gotten in the way of being present and fully enjoying life? It is hard to love your partner wholly or to enjoy the moment if you are consumed by upcoming events or griping about historical incidents. It may be time to let go and practice mindfulness. You will be a more peaceful and playful person and your relationship will benefit as well. Dogs train us to stress less, play more!

by Meg Tenny, LCMFT

Why is it important to take the time to get in touch with your feelings? Feelings are a powerful force – they will make themselves known one way or another. Often, emotions surface psychosomatically – through your body – if you don’t give voice to them. Negative emotions that are suppressed can resurface as back aches, headaches or migraines, loss of sleep, and gastrointestinal issues, or through mental health problems like depression and anxiety. Processing feelings can prevent an unhealthy emotional build-up.  Avoiding emotional build-up can help you head off physical and emotional problems, and improve overall well-being. Here are some simple ways to start getting in touch with your emotions:

1. Breathe: Breathe in while counting to five, then hold your breath for three counts. Breathe out through your mouth while counting to five and hold your breath again for three counts. This centers you and your attention on your true core of feelings. It also makes the thoughts knocking around in your head quiet and still long enough to focus on what really matters – the underlying feelings.

2. Give Yourself Permission to Feel: Give yourself permission to feel anything that comes up without judging it. You can ask yourself, “What am I feeling at this moment?” Sit with uncomfortable feelings for a few minutes and just acknowledge them. Then explore why you feel this way without resorting to self-blame or the blaming of others. While your emotions may not feel rational to you, accept them as valid.

3. Write: Write your feelings down. Research shows that spending 15-20 minutes journaling for several days in a row improves your capacity to identify your emotions, work through your feelings, and improve your mood. It can also help you sort through your feelings before talking to loved ones, so that you can ask for what you need without blaming and strengthen your relationships in a healthy way.