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Therapist Spotlight: Jasmine Mauss, MS, LGMFT

Q: Welcome to the Relationship Counseling Center of Maryland (RCC), Jasmine! We are excited to have you on staff as a therapist. What has been the most exciting part about working with us and our clients?

A: Everyday is a new adventure – no day goes by that is the same as the previous! I love working with each and every one of my clients and appreciate that they bring something new to the table each day. Also, my co-workers/supervisor create a welcoming and comfortable environment that I can flourish in!

Q: In your style of therapy, do you like to tackle the main issue head-on, or focus on the deeper issues first?

A: My preference is to tackle the situation head on. That’s not to say that we won’t eventually get to the deeper issues, but I like to help clients gain insight as to what is still within their control and ability to change. I believe one process does not have to follow the other. Hopefully that way they can make positive adjustments, while we can begin to delve into the bigger meaning behind their predicament simultaneously.

Q: Have you yourself been to therapy?

A: Of course! I am in therapy now and have been briefly in the past. I think it offers an incredible space to process day-to-day stressors and models new and safe ways to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable.

Q: What was the moment you realized you wanted to be a marriage and family therapist?

A: I knew early on that I wanted to be a therapist, but it wasn’t until college that I was able to identify my preferred career path. Once I learned more about the systemic application of marriage & family therapy, I fell in love. I don’t think our issues manifest from ourselves alone. Everything is connected back to how we were raised and the experiences that shaped us.

Q: What do you like most about working with people?

A: Everyone is unique and complex. I love getting to know each client and hearing their honest opinions and views about life and love.

Q: Outside of being a therapist, what are some of your hobbies or things you do for self-care?

A: In no particular order of preference: painting, reading, journaling, meditation, yoga, crocheting, dancing, going to the gym, book clubs with friends, exploring new restaurants, and going to concerts.

Q: You mentioned attending book clubs. What is one of your favorite reads right now?

A: I’m currently reading Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow written by Israeli author Yuval Noah Harari. A couple of my other favorites include Tiny Beautiful Things, One Day, and The Disappeared.

Q: In your experience, what is the most important thing that can strengthen a relationship?

A: I believe the most important thing that can strengthen a relationship is a person’s willingness to be vulnerable with their partner and their partner’s ability to allow them to feel heard. I really believe this is the core of connection and allows two people to be completely in tune with one another. This, coupled with proper communication, is a recipe for a beautiful relationship!

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:48-04:00November 9th, 2018|

Improving Emotional Intelligence

by Rolonda Williams, MS, LGMFT

One of the most common challenges that people cite as the root of conflict in relationships is communication. Communication is a broad term that we generally understand as exchanging information, thoughts, and beliefs. However, we don’t commonly consider emotional intelligence as part of communication. Emotional intelligence is a major component of communication, but is often absent when interacting with others. It is defined as the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically (dictionary.com, 2018). When faced with challenging communication, we may find it difficult to express our emotions or prevent our sadness and disappointment from escalating to rage. Most importantly, we don’t always recognize and validate the emotions of the other person. In order to improve this, we must focus specifically on communication of negative emotions. Emotional intelligence demonstrates a capacity to communicate beyond the normative level. It takes a change in mindset, a change in the communication pattern, and an effort in your own emotional regulation. Incorporating factors of emotional intelligence into our communication helps up to be in tune with our loved ones. It sets a framework for positive exchange and eliminates negative communication habits. The following tips are ways to improve emotional intelligence:

1. Validate Feelings: Don’t be afraid to validate the other person first by acknowledging the emotions they articulate or display. Sometimes we must model good communication in order to change interactions. Be careful, though. Good validation is never followed by the words “but” or “I disagree.”

2. Check-In & Articulate: Evaluate your emotions and focus on your own emotion regulation before and then throughout the interaction. Tap into your deeper emotions by communicating them aloud. Sadness or disappointment often underlies anger, yet, anger is what is most often exhibited to others. This may mean expanding your feelings vocabulary and articulating them.

3. Be Patient: Changing a set pattern of communication does not happen overnight. If you have been communicating the same way for many years, don’t be surprised if your communication with others hasn’t drastically and quickly improved. It takes consistent, long-term effort and practice.

Don’t forget to talk with your therapist about continuing to improve your emotional intelligence to facilitate healthy communication and to improve your relationship with yourself and others.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:53-04:00October 18th, 2018|

Therapist Spotlight: Natalie Krenz, MS, LGMFT

Q: Welcome to the Relationship Counseling Center of Maryland (RCC), Natalie! We are excited to have you on staff as a therapist. What are you most excited for in working with us and our clients?

A: I think RCC is a center that really promotes healthy communication and trust between partners. Being part of a team of therapists who improve relationships and the lives of individuals is truly exciting and inspiring. I look forward to helping couples and families connect emotionally with one another and foster a greater sense of emotional intimacy.

Q: In your style of therapy, do you like to tackle the main issue head-on, or focus on the deeper issues first?

A: Many couples come in with the issue that got them to therapy and by addressing that main issue, it gives a certain comfort to the client and establishes a trust relationship between the therapist and client. It’s similar to putting the client on crutches and then healing the deeper wounds.

Q: Have you yourself been to therapy?

A: Yes, I was in therapy when I was younger and it helped me be more in tune with myself. That was when I really saw the benefits. I still attend therapy today. Especially as a therapist, I think it is very important to allow yourself space to process your experiences so that it doesn’t impact the therapeutic process with clients.

Q: What was the moment you realized you wanted to be a marriage and family therapist?

A: Two major reasons why I got into marriage and family therapy are that 1) my parents attended couples therapy and I saw the improvement in their relationship during and after the process. 2) I realized how important family systems are when looking at colleges and the different tracks they offered in psychology. People are interconnected and that really aligns with my view of the world and the therapy process.

Q: What do you like most about working with people?

A: Sharing ideas is what I like most about working with others. Allowing people to share their points of view allows for a clearer picture and a better outcome or product, especially if the perspective differs from your own.

Q: Outside of being a therapist, what are some of your hobbies?

A: My main hobby is baking. It really caters to my personality in being precise, but allowing for creativity. I love going through that process and sharing the final product with others.

Q: What do you do for self-care?

A: My definition of self-care is intentionally making time for your hobbies and responsibilities. It is important to be intentional about your time so that you don’t overwork yourself. For example, I really enjoy being in nature, so I make time to go for hikes. I also like reading and doing yoga. Even smaller things that you may not think of as self-care can be self-care like drinking tea by the fireplace or lighting candles.

Q: In your experience, what is the most important thing that can strengthen a relationship?

A: Knowing your partner or family member’s love language is one of the most important things in a relationship. That will help you and your loved one understand how both of you give and receive love, which may be different!

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:59-04:00September 29th, 2018|

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

We learn so much from our families of origin; that is, the families in which we were raised. Our families pass down certain behaviors, patterns, and beliefs in two ways: “nature” and “nurture.” Genetically, our parents pass down certain traits to us known as “nature.” “Nurture” includes patterns of communication, behaviors and interactions, and even coping skills. These characteristics are then often carried into our adult relationships. Below are some common traits that are passed down to us and into our relationships from our families of origin.

1. Attachment Style: There are three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. These styles are passed down to us depending on how the primary caregiver (mom or dad) treated us as a child. Secure children will consider mom or dad a steady “home base” and will feel comfortable taking calculated risks to explore and venture out into the world, and then return. Secure attachment styles grow up to have healthy boundaries with their partners later in life. They value their independence, each other’s differences, and their time together. Perhaps, however, a child felt that their parent’s love was conditional and that they would abandon them. This is the anxious attachment style which will lead to a dependent (clingy) partner who is in constant need of reassurance in the relationship. An avoidant attachment style grew up feeling rejected or hurt. This style is emotionally-guarded in a relationship making it difficult for their partner to get close to them, and sometimes have already decided that people will fail them.

2. Communication Patterns: We learn our communication patterns from our families of origin. Our families set our expectations for communicating feelings, fighting, and resolving conflict. How did your parents resolve issues – calmly or by screaming and yelling? Did they express their feelings and encourage their children to express their feelings appropriately to one another? We most likely mimic these patterns of behavior in our future relationships.

3. Family Rules – Did you ever have a fight with your spouse about what the family vacation should look like or feel disappointed with how the vacation went because it was different than what your family used to do for vacations? This is one example of unspoken family rules that are ingrained from an early age. How does the family spend quality time together, show that they care for one another, and what “counts” as family time? People usually become aware of their family rules only when they enter into a serious relationship and are confronted by their partner’s family rules. This is very often the case of parenting rules as well, which are belief systems passed down by our parents to us.

The good news is that if we become aware of the family of origin patterns that we bring into our relationships, we can better address it as adults with choices. For instance, do you agree with the family rules you grew up with or do you wish to alter them in your “new” family unit? Each partner should think about the positive aspects that each can bring from their families and what are the negative aspects that each would like to change? It is worth the time and effort to have a conversation with your partner about your different family of origin patterns, in order to make decisions about how you would like to live your life together and create your own family rules.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:10:06-04:00August 20th, 2018|

Express Yourself: The Healthier Way

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

Many partners have shared with me, both individually and in front of their partner, that they find themselves fearful of expressing their true thoughts and feelings towards each other. Common fears have included: “I do not want them to be mad at me;” “I do not want to hurt their feelings;” or “What’s the point of sharing if it will not change them or change the situation?” These are some genuine concerns. As a therapist, I recognize that these sentiments are grounded in the notion that we do not want things to escalate in our relationships. However, fear should not persistently prevent you from sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner. One of the benefits of being in a romantic relationship with someone is the shared intimacy and relatedness that comes from being open and expressive with our partners. Instead of holding back because of fear, use a different framework to express yourself in a healthier way. When you express yourself in a healthier way, both parties win because you are able to be open and heard while your partner is able to better listen and respond to you in a manner that will be more emotionally supportive. Here are 3 basic steps you can use to reduce your fear and feel more comfortable expressing yourself to your partner:

1. Be Vulnerable, NOT Reactive: I always stress to my clients that reactivity towards your partner creates conflict and distance. The goal is to relate and connect with your partner and being vulnerable is important. Focus on your vulnerable feelings (e.g. hurt, sadness, disappointment, shame, etc.) and not the reactive feelings (e.g. anger, frustration, worry, etc.). Expressing reactive feelings can turn anyone off, so be sure that when you express yourself, slow down and identify your vulnerable feelings and thoughts and deliver them in a softer way.

2. Own Your Feelings: Owning your thoughts and feelings will be important whenever you feel the need to express yourself to your partner. Claim it! Stay away from blameworthy statements like “you made me feel” because your partner will shut down their listening sensors very quickly. It is better to use “I feel” or “I believe that” instead. It is important to claim your thoughts and feelings, staying away from guessing or assuming the thoughts and feelings of your partner.

3. Check-In: Because the fear of hurting your partner tends to govern your ability to express genuine thoughts and feelings, why not check in with your partner both during and after a conversation? Check-ins during a conversation are valuable opportunities for partners to gauge how the conversation is flowing and make appropriate adjustments. When checking-in during the conversation, simply ask your partner, “Are you okay…can we still continue this talk?” Then check-in after the conversation to reach out and provide any support your partner may need (especially if it was difficult discussion), by asking, “How was that conversation for you? Is there anything you need from me?”

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:10:11-04:00July 16th, 2018|

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

The recent wave of high-profile celebrity suicides, like Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, raises a host of questions. What causes people to resort to suicide? Why has suicide increased 25 percent over the last twenty years? Is suicide preventable? More shocking still is to hear that in half of suicides, people had not been diagnosed with any mental health issue, such as depression or anxiety.

Not many people have been left untouched by suicide. Most of us have experienced family members, friends, or coworkers who’ve wrestled with suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, or lost their lives in completed suicide. Survivors are left with feelings of guilt (Did I miss something? Could I have helped?), despair (How could this happen? What pain they must have felt to carry this out. How will I go on with my life?), and anger (What a selfish and stupid thing to do. How could they do this?)The first feeling of survivor guilt – feeling that you missed signs or signals from your loved one – may be the most haunting. Part of the helplessness experienced by survivors relates to feelings that the situation is out of your hands. Only people who commit suicide can control what they are doing. Survivors are only left with prevention. However, it is worth knowing the warning signs so that intervention may come earlier for this “permanent solution for a temporary problem.”

1. Feeling Like a Burden: Those who contemplate suicide often feel like a burden to those around them, and may express this in different ways. Their sense of self-value is extremely low. They will often talk about wanting to kill themselves or simply “not wanting to be around” anymore.

2. Isolation: People will isolate from others around them and withdraw. They will stop sharing information and emotions with others, and stick to themselves.

3. Substance Use Changes: Increases in substance use sometimes can signal intensified suicidal ideation. Substances may be used to “numb out” intolerable feelings of anxiety and depression, and unfortunately, contribute to making decisions, in the moment, to take their own lives.

What can you do if you see these warning signs in a loved one? Early intervention is key and involves several actions – don’t leave the person alone, remove possible lethal methods (guns, ropes, knives) and substances (drugs, alcohol) from their houses, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), and take them to the hospital emergency room. You might not be able to stop them, but then again, your intervention might save a life.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2019-10-07T11:27:31-04:00June 26th, 2018|

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

Since May is Mental Health Month, it is imperative we also give attention to mental health awareness and ways couples can play a significant role in promoting mental health in their partner and in the relationship. One in five Americans is affected by mental health conditions and there is a good chance that at some point, you and your partner, have been impacted by various mental states – anxiety, depression, alcoholism, explosive anger, etc. Whether clinically diagnosed with these conditions or just experiencing isolated “episodes,” we should feel empowered to use our love to support our partner’s well-being. Research shows that the way we perceive our relationships can be shaped by your mental state. Thus, there is an incentive in making sure mental health is a priority in our romantic relationship. There are three critical ways to support our partner’s well-being:

1. Open Up Dialogue: We live in a world in which having a mental health condition causes people to experience shame, fear and inhibits their desire to want to discuss what is going on with them. This is because there is a stigma with having a mental health condition. As a result, we should engage our partners in an open, safe, and understanding way when asking about their well-being. Make sure to listen, ask open-ended questions, and validate their emotions and experiences.

2. Think Prevention: One of the most important themes for mental health awareness is understanding one’s physiological, emotional, and psychological states so that way we can prevent acute situations. We can prevent mental health problems from getting out of hand by increasing conversations with your partner about stressors and vulnerabilities in their lives and ways to cope. But the most important way to prevent mental health issues from spiraling is to consider seeking professional help. This is an important conversation to have as a couple and it is important to show our partner that attending together is a better option because we do not want our partners to feel further isolated.

3. Laugh More: Over the years in both of my personal and professional life, I always told those around me that the cheapest and healthiest thing you can do in life is to laugh. For this strategy, you do not need to order a book nor do you need to see a therapist (though we are always here for you and your partner) – all you need to do is to use your refreshing personality to make your partner smile and laugh. We want more laughing in our relationship because it is such a positive experience and it enhances connection when we laugh together with our partner.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2019-10-07T11:28:01-04:00May 31st, 2018|

Time for spring cleaning!

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

Finally, spring has arrived! The weather is getting warmer and we are coming out of the winter’s hibernation. Just as we clean out our closets to start the season off right, don’t neglect to do some spring cleaning in your relationship. Here are some suggestions to dust those cobwebs out of your marriage:

1. Dust Off Grievances: Have you been sitting on resentments with your partner and not talking about them? It is time to clear the air. Sit down and air your grievances with your partner. Communicate your feelings with them in a non-blaming way and expressly for the purpose of moving forward with them in a positive direction.

2. Shine Up Your Optimism: Have you been taking your partner for granted? Has winter made you complacent and sluggish? Spring is a time for fresh beginnings. Cast aside your doubts and negative thoughts about the relationship and infuse some positivity into your interactions with your spouse. Give them the benefit of the doubt and show them that you value their input by listening respectfully.

3. Organize A Deep Cleaning: Re-evaluate your overall relationship. In what areas is your relationship thriving and where does it still need some work? How do areas of your physical and emotional intimacy, quality time together, trust, sense of teamwork, and communication fare when you take a closer look? Check in with your spouse about their perspective on the relationship. Be honest with yourself: Have you been making heartfelt efforts? Set some concrete, immediate goals together to address areas in which you would like to improve.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2019-10-07T11:28:30-04:00April 30th, 2018|

Building a True Partnership

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

One of the forgotten rules regarding how to maintain a healthy relationship with your significant other is to treat the relationship as a partnership. It is one thing to look at your significant other and view them as your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband. There is nothing wrong with these titles – they are labels that show a special significance in your life. A better way to view your significant other is as your partner. This label carries a lot of responsibility and requires work. We should strive to treat our significant other as a partner and work with them in a partnership manner.

A true partnership comes with critical dynamics and processes – compromising without the winning or losing mentality, communicating to make sure both parties are heard, sacrificing for the good of the relationship, and understanding that both you and your partner have needs that should be addressed consistently. It can be hard at times to function as a partnership due to individual differences. It is natural for there to be discrepancies between you and your partner when working together. But do not be discouraged. Here are three important and easy strategies to implement in your relationship that will enable you and your partner have a real partnership:

1. Use “We” More: In a genuine partnership, the pronoun “we” creates connection, shared interests and goals, and a more collaborative atmosphere. When you use “we,” your partner will feel more emotionally open to having tough discussions (especially those that call for a decision to be made). This is because they feel included and it will cause them to be more invested in the conversation. So, make sure to make use of this pronoun and you will see how much farther you can progress with meeting needs and goals.

2. Make Suggestions: Nobody wants to be told what to do. It can come across as patronizing and we don’t want our partners to feel that we are talking down to them. The safest way to work with your partner in a true partnership way is to make suggestions. Using phrases such as “what if we…,” “how about we…,” “so here are my thoughts…what are yours?” These alert your partner to be ready to work in a collaborative manner. When decisions need to be made, a partnership focuses on both ideas being represented and altered, if necessary. Making suggestions is a way to show interest in your partner’s thoughts and ideas, and will build confidence. Often, the partner will reciprocate this strategy because it creates a positive dynamic.

3. Ask About Feelings: This strategy never fails when thinking about ways to reinforce a real partnership dynamic. It is important to gauge how your partner feels in any situation because, as human beings, we are always feeling. When you work with them to process and manage those emotions during times where teamwork is needed, it adds another element to the dynamic that is critical – vulnerability. By asking and exploring your partners feelings, they feel appreciated, seen, and heard. You need your partner to experience this for there to be teamwork. And true teamwork leads to a true partnership for both parties.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2019-10-07T11:28:57-04:00April 13th, 2018|

Which Meditation App is Best?

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

Stress seeps into our daily lives. Running to get kids to activities, working hectic schedules, and trying to find time for your spouse, your family, and yourself… It all leads to a mind state that is overwhelmed and overworked. The traditional relaxation techniques won’t work because you are already in a time crunch. But you might be able to find five or ten minutes to unwind in bed before you go to sleep or in your car during your lunch break. Meditation phone apps provide a calming influence that can help you start or finish off your day right, or take a little break. Apps are user friendly and simple to install on your phone, and the popular ones listed here are free to use. Which meditation app is best for you?

1. Headspace: Headspace provides themed meditation (for example, “Burned Out,” “Losing Your Temper”) that are short and meant for people with a busy lifestyle. There are also options for help you wake up and go to sleep, and “Sleep Sounds,” which are background noises to help you fall asleep. Packs of ten meditation sessions are offered by theme, or you can choose a single meditation, which cover all variety of life stressors. There are also special sections for children and for students.

2. Calm: Calm offers “Masterclasses,” which are talks by experts on a variety of topics, such as social media and addiction. The app provides relaxing music and themed (“Loving-Kindness,” “Forgiveness”) meditation sessions for 7 or 21 days. Calm also shows the “Breathe Bubble,” which helps you visualize a bubble expanding and shrinking as it guides you through deep breathing exercises. The app also presents a “Relationship” themed series of guided meditation. Calm uses “Sleep Stories,” which are bedtime stories to help you fall asleep, and visually relaxing scenes like a fireplace or a mountain lake.

3. Simple Habit: Upon opening this app, you will be asked what you are doing right now, with options of “Walking” or “At Work,” for example. There is a feature called “On the Go,” geared towards those who are busy, that will ask you how many minutes you have to spare for a meditation and will help you choose a specifically timed and themed meditation based on your response. It also offers the “Community” element that allows you to meditate with friends by connecting on Facebook. “Community” also includes “Challenges” once a month, which show members who are meditating in a time challenge. This is meant to assist you in keeping up your meditation momentum. Simple Habit has a special section for meditation beginners.

Of course, these are only three of a plethora of available meditation apps. Most of these apps have a tracking system that allows you to follow how much of a meditation series you’ve completed or monitor your progress into relaxation. All are designed to help those who are busy and stressed, so it may be worth a try!

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2019-10-07T11:29:39-04:00March 2nd, 2018|

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