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How to Agree to Disagree

by Jasmine Mauss, MS, LGMFT

As we know, disagreements are inevitable in any romantic relationship. There will undoubtedly be ideas, philosophies, opinions, and concerns that you and your partner wholeheartedly disagree on at some point over the course of being together. When situations like this arise, oftentimes we fail to take a moment to pause and reflect. Instead, we let anger and defensiveness blindly lead us through our interactions. Remember that these differences do not always have to define our relationships. It is entirely possible to (respectfully) agree to disagree!

1. Inhale & Exhale: Yes, it is frustrating that your partner does not agree with you! Try not to get too overwhelmed. Instead, try mindfully accepting that this is a normal complexity of any relationship. No relationship is ever completely congruent, and no two people are completely aligned in their thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes, no matter how extensively an argument is articulated or communicated, the foundations of it still may not connect with someone. They may simply not agree with you, and that can be okay. Try to be patient and acknowledge this, as you talk with your partner. If you are finding yourself getting agitated or upset, give yourself a second to pause and ground yourself before speaking or reacting. Take a few deep breaths, take a small time-out, or do something relaxing to center yourself before continuing.

2. Explain the Importance: Bottom line, even if you and your partner still do not end up agreeing, your biggest take away from the argument should be a general understanding of where they are coming from. And vice versa! What emotions and experiences do you think are fueling their beliefs? Can you think of reasons why your partner might have this specific viewpoint? Take a second to trace back the origin of where this view may arise from. Do this for yourself as well and communicate these things as a basis for your explanation. Understanding “why” you believe something can establish easier access to compassion and empathy. Why are you arguing about this in the first place? Chances are, if your differences in beliefs have escalated to the point of contention or anger, it is probably very important for you to have your partner share this specific viewpoint. When we care about people, their thoughts, values, and opinions matter to us dearly. In the moment, it is difficult to remember that arguing is often just an attempt by two people to reach harmony.

3. Focus on Recovery: You’ve both decided that there is no middle ground here. Now what? The residual tension following an argument can lead to a build up of resentment and moodiness. Diffuse the leftover tension following the disagreement by facilitating positive interaction. Try ending your arguments with a compliment or validation. Sometimes a simple “I love you” or “I get where you’re coming from” goes a long way. Spending more time debating over the issue will leave you both exhausted and emotionally drained. So why do it? Be affectionate, exude warmth, and foster positive regard for one another. Capitalizing on this vulnerable moment post-argument can be beneficial for your relationship. It can be used as a way to reconnect and find value in your differences: a time to appreciate your individuality, move forward, and agree to disagree.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:24-04:00February 23rd, 2019|

Q: Welcome to the Relationship Counseling Center of Maryland (RCC), Rolonda! We are excited to have you on staff as a therapist. What has been the most exciting part about working with us and our clients?

A: Being a therapist at RCC is incredibly rewarding. The clients at RCC almost always demonstrate a certain level of eagerness to engage in the therapeutic process. As a therapist, eagerness to tackle the challenges they are facing in their relationships means a lot. It’s also reflective of readiness for change. The therapeutic process can be scary for a lot of people, but in my experience at RCC, clients get a lot of relief by just getting through the door.

Q: In your style of therapy, do you like to tackle the main issue head-on, or focus on the deeper issues first?

A: My style of therapy is a little different; namely, it is context driven. I think it is important to share this style with clients in their initial consultation because it helps to assure that I am the right fit for them as a therapist. In other words, I need to understand the problem and all related factors in depth before tackling any issue. This may take a few sessions as I am learning about each individual. Some may feel that it is slower pace and that they need to address all the issues immediately. However, I think this helps to prevent putting band-aids over wounds. What I find is that most often there are underlying factors that contribute to the issues couples come in with. Therefore I would say, I like to tackle the main issue, increase skill building, and then initiate conversation about those deeper issues.

Q: Have you yourself been to therapy?

A: I have been to therapy, both individual and couple’s therapy. My initial experience was not the greatest and many may share that sentiment. However, I think therapy is not a commitment to the therapist, but a commitment to yourself and to your process. Realizing this helped me give it a second chance. My therapy offers me the opportunity to self-reflect and to focus on how to be a better partner. Even as a therapist, I don’t always have all of the answers. I use therapy as a tool for self-improvement. Being a better individual makes me an even better therapist. I believe that all mental health professionals should have their own therapy.

Q: What was the moment you realized you wanted to be a marriage and family therapist?

A: The moment that solidified my desire to be a marriage and family therapist came shortly before my acceptance into my graduate program. For most of my adolescence, I knew for sure that psychology would be my route. My passion for it came from my own experiences and the experiences of my family members. A lot of areas of psychology seemed to focus on the mechanics of the brain and individual psychology. Although this was the basis for my education, I knew there were influences at play that were much greater than our own. I recognized that we learn so much from our relationships with other people. This greatly impacts our psyche and how we view the world. It was important for me to use psychology as a way to address some of those social constructs of thoughts and behaviors. The way in which I could do that was marriage and family therapy. I spoke with the director of a clinical psychology program who recommended that I apply to the marriage and family therapy program. He told me that it seemed like a much better fit for my passion. I had never heard of it before that moment, but ever since then, I was absolutely drawn to it. Now, here I am!

Q: What do you like most about working with people?

A: What I like the most about working with people is our capacity to connect with others. I think human connection is a unique aspect of working with people and that there is so much variety in that connection. We have ways in which we connect with ourselves on an individual level and ways in which we connect with others. Human connection makes working with people so much more worthwhile. Our capacity to love, to inspire, and to collaborate with others creates a rich and emotionally valuable experience for us. As a therapist, it fulfilling to be able to witness that.

Q: Outside of being a therapist, what are some of your hobbies or things you do for self-care?

A: In the past, I wasn’t the best at self-care. However, being a therapist, you have to learn to practice what you preach.Some of my favorite self-care hobbies are getting massages (at least every other month), writing, traveling, taking 24-hour self-care days, or taking an hour or so out of my day to recharge (aka naps). I am always very busy and spend a lot of time caring for others, so I find ways to give that same courtesy to myself. Self-care can be big or small, as long as it’s present.

Q: In your experience, what is the most important thing that can strengthen a relationship?

A: The most important thing that can strengthen a relationship is emotional intimacy. Lack of emotional intimacy, or connection, can drive a wedge between couples, leaving partners feeling unfulfilled. Marriages can begin to feel like running a business.Our roles become about what we need to accomplish such as financial goals, parenting, domestic responsibilities, etc. However, our connection to our partner can get lost in that process and leave us feeling slightly disconnected. Couples must make a commitment to emotional intimacy and prioritize that for their relationship.To keep our relationships strong, we need to be able to reflect on the things that attracted us to each other in the first place.

Q: What is one simple way that a couple can reclaim their emotional intimacy?

A: As far as emotional intimacy, I would recommend that the couple first define what that means and what it looks like for their relationship. Taking a quiz on the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman can help to understand how your partner views emotional intimacy. This will foster open discussion regarding all the ways emotional intimacy can look for your relationship and ways in which you can work towards it.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:29-04:00January 22nd, 2019|

by Natalie Krenz, MS, LGMFT

Many couples find themselves concerned with handling finances. This problem is not unique to the holiday season. Finances are one of the most fought about topics amongst couples. While financial stress can often cause conflict, it doesn’t have to! There are ways to manage finances with your partner.

1. Plan a Meeting: Couples often run into issues when one partner brings up the topic of finances when the other is unprepared. This can lead to defensiveness and conflict. A way to prevent this is by setting up a time in advance to discuss this sensitive topic with your partner. By setting aside a specific time, or having a meeting, both partners have time to prepare mentally and emotionally to enter the conversation in a better headspace.

2. Agree on a Budget: Couples have various ways they share finances; some choose to keep separate bank accounts while others share. No matter the decision, discussing budgets with your partner is critical. Partners need to be on the same page of how much income needs to go to bills, groceries, transportation, etc. Without this agreement, one partner might have concerns about where money is going, leading to resentment. Additionally, when establishing a budget, it is important to account for both individuals’ needs and desires for spending so that partners do not feel controlled. This is often where compromise may have to come into play. Nevertheless, by discussing these things with your partner, you set the foundation for honesty and transparency which tremendously strengthens the relationship.

3. Prepare to Compromise: Couples consist of two unique individuals coming together, so there may be a need for compromise. It is important to respect that you and your partner may have different financial frameworks and decision-making processes. Therefore, it is imperative to communicate clearly about financial expectations, wishes, and needs. Remember to take turns in this process and be a good listener, so your partner feels heard. Furthermore, finances bring up a lot of emotions, so validate your partner’s feelings in the process which can unite you both as a couple. Come prepared to compromise so that you can come to an agreement. It is worth it to put the work into handling finances as a team, even though the negotiation may take a bit longer.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:34-04:00December 17th, 2018|

Beginning Monday, December 31
our Columbia office location will be moving to

10705 Charter Dr., Suite 410, Columbia, MD 21044.

*The Silver Spring location will remain the same.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:40-04:00December 13th, 2018|

Therapist Spotlight: Jasmine Mauss, MS, LGMFT

Q: Welcome to the Relationship Counseling Center of Maryland (RCC), Jasmine! We are excited to have you on staff as a therapist. What has been the most exciting part about working with us and our clients?

A: Everyday is a new adventure – no day goes by that is the same as the previous! I love working with each and every one of my clients and appreciate that they bring something new to the table each day. Also, my co-workers/supervisor create a welcoming and comfortable environment that I can flourish in!

Q: In your style of therapy, do you like to tackle the main issue head-on, or focus on the deeper issues first?

A: My preference is to tackle the situation head on. That’s not to say that we won’t eventually get to the deeper issues, but I like to help clients gain insight as to what is still within their control and ability to change. I believe one process does not have to follow the other. Hopefully that way they can make positive adjustments, while we can begin to delve into the bigger meaning behind their predicament simultaneously.

Q: Have you yourself been to therapy?

A: Of course! I am in therapy now and have been briefly in the past. I think it offers an incredible space to process day-to-day stressors and models new and safe ways to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable.

Q: What was the moment you realized you wanted to be a marriage and family therapist?

A: I knew early on that I wanted to be a therapist, but it wasn’t until college that I was able to identify my preferred career path. Once I learned more about the systemic application of marriage & family therapy, I fell in love. I don’t think our issues manifest from ourselves alone. Everything is connected back to how we were raised and the experiences that shaped us.

Q: What do you like most about working with people?

A: Everyone is unique and complex. I love getting to know each client and hearing their honest opinions and views about life and love.

Q: Outside of being a therapist, what are some of your hobbies or things you do for self-care?

A: In no particular order of preference: painting, reading, journaling, meditation, yoga, crocheting, dancing, going to the gym, book clubs with friends, exploring new restaurants, and going to concerts.

Q: You mentioned attending book clubs. What is one of your favorite reads right now?

A: I’m currently reading Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow written by Israeli author Yuval Noah Harari. A couple of my other favorites include Tiny Beautiful Things, One Day, and The Disappeared.

Q: In your experience, what is the most important thing that can strengthen a relationship?

A: I believe the most important thing that can strengthen a relationship is a person’s willingness to be vulnerable with their partner and their partner’s ability to allow them to feel heard. I really believe this is the core of connection and allows two people to be completely in tune with one another. This, coupled with proper communication, is a recipe for a beautiful relationship!

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:48-04:00November 9th, 2018|

Improving Emotional Intelligence

by Rolonda Williams, MS, LGMFT

One of the most common challenges that people cite as the root of conflict in relationships is communication. Communication is a broad term that we generally understand as exchanging information, thoughts, and beliefs. However, we don’t commonly consider emotional intelligence as part of communication. Emotional intelligence is a major component of communication, but is often absent when interacting with others. It is defined as the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically (dictionary.com, 2018). When faced with challenging communication, we may find it difficult to express our emotions or prevent our sadness and disappointment from escalating to rage. Most importantly, we don’t always recognize and validate the emotions of the other person. In order to improve this, we must focus specifically on communication of negative emotions. Emotional intelligence demonstrates a capacity to communicate beyond the normative level. It takes a change in mindset, a change in the communication pattern, and an effort in your own emotional regulation. Incorporating factors of emotional intelligence into our communication helps up to be in tune with our loved ones. It sets a framework for positive exchange and eliminates negative communication habits. The following tips are ways to improve emotional intelligence:

1. Validate Feelings: Don’t be afraid to validate the other person first by acknowledging the emotions they articulate or display. Sometimes we must model good communication in order to change interactions. Be careful, though. Good validation is never followed by the words “but” or “I disagree.”

2. Check-In & Articulate: Evaluate your emotions and focus on your own emotion regulation before and then throughout the interaction. Tap into your deeper emotions by communicating them aloud. Sadness or disappointment often underlies anger, yet, anger is what is most often exhibited to others. This may mean expanding your feelings vocabulary and articulating them.

3. Be Patient: Changing a set pattern of communication does not happen overnight. If you have been communicating the same way for many years, don’t be surprised if your communication with others hasn’t drastically and quickly improved. It takes consistent, long-term effort and practice.

Don’t forget to talk with your therapist about continuing to improve your emotional intelligence to facilitate healthy communication and to improve your relationship with yourself and others.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:53-04:00October 18th, 2018|

Therapist Spotlight: Natalie Krenz, MS, LGMFT

Q: Welcome to the Relationship Counseling Center of Maryland (RCC), Natalie! We are excited to have you on staff as a therapist. What are you most excited for in working with us and our clients?

A: I think RCC is a center that really promotes healthy communication and trust between partners. Being part of a team of therapists who improve relationships and the lives of individuals is truly exciting and inspiring. I look forward to helping couples and families connect emotionally with one another and foster a greater sense of emotional intimacy.

Q: In your style of therapy, do you like to tackle the main issue head-on, or focus on the deeper issues first?

A: Many couples come in with the issue that got them to therapy and by addressing that main issue, it gives a certain comfort to the client and establishes a trust relationship between the therapist and client. It’s similar to putting the client on crutches and then healing the deeper wounds.

Q: Have you yourself been to therapy?

A: Yes, I was in therapy when I was younger and it helped me be more in tune with myself. That was when I really saw the benefits. I still attend therapy today. Especially as a therapist, I think it is very important to allow yourself space to process your experiences so that it doesn’t impact the therapeutic process with clients.

Q: What was the moment you realized you wanted to be a marriage and family therapist?

A: Two major reasons why I got into marriage and family therapy are that 1) my parents attended couples therapy and I saw the improvement in their relationship during and after the process. 2) I realized how important family systems are when looking at colleges and the different tracks they offered in psychology. People are interconnected and that really aligns with my view of the world and the therapy process.

Q: What do you like most about working with people?

A: Sharing ideas is what I like most about working with others. Allowing people to share their points of view allows for a clearer picture and a better outcome or product, especially if the perspective differs from your own.

Q: Outside of being a therapist, what are some of your hobbies?

A: My main hobby is baking. It really caters to my personality in being precise, but allowing for creativity. I love going through that process and sharing the final product with others.

Q: What do you do for self-care?

A: My definition of self-care is intentionally making time for your hobbies and responsibilities. It is important to be intentional about your time so that you don’t overwork yourself. For example, I really enjoy being in nature, so I make time to go for hikes. I also like reading and doing yoga. Even smaller things that you may not think of as self-care can be self-care like drinking tea by the fireplace or lighting candles.

Q: In your experience, what is the most important thing that can strengthen a relationship?

A: Knowing your partner or family member’s love language is one of the most important things in a relationship. That will help you and your loved one understand how both of you give and receive love, which may be different!

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:09:59-04:00September 29th, 2018|

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

We learn so much from our families of origin; that is, the families in which we were raised. Our families pass down certain behaviors, patterns, and beliefs in two ways: “nature” and “nurture.” Genetically, our parents pass down certain traits to us known as “nature.” “Nurture” includes patterns of communication, behaviors and interactions, and even coping skills. These characteristics are then often carried into our adult relationships. Below are some common traits that are passed down to us and into our relationships from our families of origin.

1. Attachment Style: There are three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. These styles are passed down to us depending on how the primary caregiver (mom or dad) treated us as a child. Secure children will consider mom or dad a steady “home base” and will feel comfortable taking calculated risks to explore and venture out into the world, and then return. Secure attachment styles grow up to have healthy boundaries with their partners later in life. They value their independence, each other’s differences, and their time together. Perhaps, however, a child felt that their parent’s love was conditional and that they would abandon them. This is the anxious attachment style which will lead to a dependent (clingy) partner who is in constant need of reassurance in the relationship. An avoidant attachment style grew up feeling rejected or hurt. This style is emotionally-guarded in a relationship making it difficult for their partner to get close to them, and sometimes have already decided that people will fail them.

2. Communication Patterns: We learn our communication patterns from our families of origin. Our families set our expectations for communicating feelings, fighting, and resolving conflict. How did your parents resolve issues – calmly or by screaming and yelling? Did they express their feelings and encourage their children to express their feelings appropriately to one another? We most likely mimic these patterns of behavior in our future relationships.

3. Family Rules – Did you ever have a fight with your spouse about what the family vacation should look like or feel disappointed with how the vacation went because it was different than what your family used to do for vacations? This is one example of unspoken family rules that are ingrained from an early age. How does the family spend quality time together, show that they care for one another, and what “counts” as family time? People usually become aware of their family rules only when they enter into a serious relationship and are confronted by their partner’s family rules. This is very often the case of parenting rules as well, which are belief systems passed down by our parents to us.

The good news is that if we become aware of the family of origin patterns that we bring into our relationships, we can better address it as adults with choices. For instance, do you agree with the family rules you grew up with or do you wish to alter them in your “new” family unit? Each partner should think about the positive aspects that each can bring from their families and what are the negative aspects that each would like to change? It is worth the time and effort to have a conversation with your partner about your different family of origin patterns, in order to make decisions about how you would like to live your life together and create your own family rules.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:10:06-04:00August 20th, 2018|

Express Yourself: The Healthier Way

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

Many partners have shared with me, both individually and in front of their partner, that they find themselves fearful of expressing their true thoughts and feelings towards each other. Common fears have included: “I do not want them to be mad at me;” “I do not want to hurt their feelings;” or “What’s the point of sharing if it will not change them or change the situation?” These are some genuine concerns. As a therapist, I recognize that these sentiments are grounded in the notion that we do not want things to escalate in our relationships. However, fear should not persistently prevent you from sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner. One of the benefits of being in a romantic relationship with someone is the shared intimacy and relatedness that comes from being open and expressive with our partners. Instead of holding back because of fear, use a different framework to express yourself in a healthier way. When you express yourself in a healthier way, both parties win because you are able to be open and heard while your partner is able to better listen and respond to you in a manner that will be more emotionally supportive. Here are 3 basic steps you can use to reduce your fear and feel more comfortable expressing yourself to your partner:

1. Be Vulnerable, NOT Reactive: I always stress to my clients that reactivity towards your partner creates conflict and distance. The goal is to relate and connect with your partner and being vulnerable is important. Focus on your vulnerable feelings (e.g. hurt, sadness, disappointment, shame, etc.) and not the reactive feelings (e.g. anger, frustration, worry, etc.). Expressing reactive feelings can turn anyone off, so be sure that when you express yourself, slow down and identify your vulnerable feelings and thoughts and deliver them in a softer way.

2. Own Your Feelings: Owning your thoughts and feelings will be important whenever you feel the need to express yourself to your partner. Claim it! Stay away from blameworthy statements like “you made me feel” because your partner will shut down their listening sensors very quickly. It is better to use “I feel” or “I believe that” instead. It is important to claim your thoughts and feelings, staying away from guessing or assuming the thoughts and feelings of your partner.

3. Check-In: Because the fear of hurting your partner tends to govern your ability to express genuine thoughts and feelings, why not check in with your partner both during and after a conversation? Check-ins during a conversation are valuable opportunities for partners to gauge how the conversation is flowing and make appropriate adjustments. When checking-in during the conversation, simply ask your partner, “Are you okay…can we still continue this talk?” Then check-in after the conversation to reach out and provide any support your partner may need (especially if it was difficult discussion), by asking, “How was that conversation for you? Is there anything you need from me?”

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2020-04-13T11:10:11-04:00July 16th, 2018|

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

The recent wave of high-profile celebrity suicides, like Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, raises a host of questions. What causes people to resort to suicide? Why has suicide increased 25 percent over the last twenty years? Is suicide preventable? More shocking still is to hear that in half of suicides, people had not been diagnosed with any mental health issue, such as depression or anxiety.

Not many people have been left untouched by suicide. Most of us have experienced family members, friends, or coworkers who’ve wrestled with suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, or lost their lives in completed suicide. Survivors are left with feelings of guilt (Did I miss something? Could I have helped?), despair (How could this happen? What pain they must have felt to carry this out. How will I go on with my life?), and anger (What a selfish and stupid thing to do. How could they do this?)The first feeling of survivor guilt – feeling that you missed signs or signals from your loved one – may be the most haunting. Part of the helplessness experienced by survivors relates to feelings that the situation is out of your hands. Only people who commit suicide can control what they are doing. Survivors are only left with prevention. However, it is worth knowing the warning signs so that intervention may come earlier for this “permanent solution for a temporary problem.”

1. Feeling Like a Burden: Those who contemplate suicide often feel like a burden to those around them, and may express this in different ways. Their sense of self-value is extremely low. They will often talk about wanting to kill themselves or simply “not wanting to be around” anymore.

2. Isolation: People will isolate from others around them and withdraw. They will stop sharing information and emotions with others, and stick to themselves.

3. Substance Use Changes: Increases in substance use sometimes can signal intensified suicidal ideation. Substances may be used to “numb out” intolerable feelings of anxiety and depression, and unfortunately, contribute to making decisions, in the moment, to take their own lives.

What can you do if you see these warning signs in a loved one? Early intervention is key and involves several actions – don’t leave the person alone, remove possible lethal methods (guns, ropes, knives) and substances (drugs, alcohol) from their houses, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), and take them to the hospital emergency room. You might not be able to stop them, but then again, your intervention might save a life.

Relationship Counseling Center of MD2019-10-07T11:27:31-04:00June 26th, 2018|

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