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by Ann Pham, LGMFT

Thursday, May 1st, 2025

Picture this: You’re arguing with your partner regarding an issue that’s bothering you and suddenly, your partner becomes defensive. The conversation then shifts to how your partner disliked your attitude or the raised tone of your voice in that moment. Now you’re defending how you communicated, and it feels like the initial issue you were talking about is pushed to the side. It is understandable to quickly become resentful if issues were never addressed properly. As challenging as this sounds, it’s important to re-examine and establish communication boundaries before the next argument.

1. Use I-statements and be an active listener: Both partners must agree before the next argument to focus on the presenting issues first. The speaker should use I-statements to talk about how the issue is impacting them. The listener should validate the speaker’s feelings and minimize interruptions. As the listener, you will have a chance later on to address your concerns.
2. Set ground rules: Establish your communication rules. Agree on what you can and cannot tolerate and determine what to do next if the rules are infringed upon. For example, partners may not like the judgmental tone they hear, but will do their best not to point it out until the main issue has been addressed. However, if their partner is shouting at them, the listening partner is allowed to step away and stop the conversation.
3. Be honest and respectful: If communication rules are broken, partners should share why they need to step away. “I feel really angry because you’re yelling at me. I can’t have this conversation right now.” Whichever partner broke the rule, should do their best to take accountability and not try to dispute what the other partner felt or witnessed. Whichever partner initiated the break should be the one to bring up the conversation again.

It is important for partners to understand and agree that their main communication focus is to address the initial presenting issue, not sidelining it. It is best to avoid power imbalances, especially when it comes to resolving problems.

by Jasmine Mauss, LCMFT

Friday, March 28th, 2025

Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok have been some of largest growing platforms for connection and community over the last two decades. It is no question that the rising emergence of social media has shaped nearly every aspect of how we live our lives. Day in and day out, we are endlessly bombarded with new information: the latest beauty trends, recipes for avocado toast, or a complete stranger’s gender reveal. At the touch of our own fingertips, we are able to peer into the window of other people’s lives almost instantly. What we may not realize, is that this constant input of information can take a devastating toll on the perception of our own success and the contentment we feel in our relationships. Specifically, when it comes to our romantic relationships, we have a tendency to compare, covet, and compete with the people we see online. This can result in a projection of newfound and highly unrealistic expectations onto our partners. As these influences become more rampant, we are seeing an alarming decline in relationship satisfaction between couples. How do we intervene? Below, we discuss a few ways that we can protect our relationships from the pitfalls of social media influence and become grounded back into a space of practicality and peace within our partnerships.

1.Don’t Fall for the Fantasy – The challenging thing about peering into people’s personal lives is that we have no idea what is real and what is not. We are often heavily misguided by the forced smiles, elaborate gift giving, and monthly couple getaways to the tropics. We mistake these images as being the norm and extend these same standards to our relationship. “Why aren’t WE doing those things?” We start imagining all the ways our relationship could and should be. But who is actually deciding that for us? Step one is understanding that the fabrications we see online are not representative of typical relationships. Most couples are not doing the things we see online with the same cadence, extravagance, and excitement that we are witnessing on the web. When you feel feelings of envy or negativity come up, take a moment to pause and challenge yourself. Can you course-correct yourself to notice the performance behind the screen?

2. Re-Examine Your Expectations – Chronic time online can result in a slow and subtle overtaking of our expectations and desires. We see curated and carefully crafted depictions of couples in love and their ‘perfect relationships’, causing us to create a carbon copy blueprint to place on our own relationships. Without realizing it, our goalpost of “needs” for our partner to meet grows farther and farther out, becoming less attainable and practical. This is a recipe for dissatisfaction and disappointment. Step two is reflection on reality. Take some time to think about your current relationship. What do you really need in your relationship with your partner? Before you started spending more time online, were you even unhappy in your relationship? Are your needs actually NEEDS, or did your desires become misconstrued and mislabeled? Are you extending enough compassion and grace to your partner, acknowledging their own limitations, stressors, and relationship requests?

3. Redirect Your Attention – The saying goes “Where attention goes, energy flows.” This statement is beyond accurate in the case of relationship satisfaction. If you are constantly thinking about what is NOT happening in your relationship, you will never notice what IS. Dedication to fixating on the deficit will not take you very far. In order to deeply appreciate our partners’ efforts, we have to force ourselves to notice where they are showing up for us in our daily life. Step three: Try taking a digital detox and paying more attention to specific moments where you feel joy and gratitude for your relationship. Reflect on some of the ways that the relationship supports your life goals and your daily functioning. When we can place our awareness on what is REAL and happening NOW, we can notice the consistent gifts that our partners and our relationships offer us in every moment.

by John Hart, PhD, LCMFT

Monday, December 23rd, 2024

The holiday season often means gift giving, but this gesture alone may not fully convey the depth of appreciation we feel for our partners. It is crucial for couples to recognize that holiday traditions, while meaningful, are not always sufficient to express gratitude or reflect on the value of their relationship. When partners neglect to reflect on their bond or actively share appreciation, it can lead to negative consequences for both the relationship and individual well-being. Without reflection and acknowledgment, a relationship risks becoming stagnant, distant, and fragile, which can lead to increased stress and other related challenges. Over time, both partners may feel unfulfilled, and the love that once felt effortless may begin to feel like a chore. In my work with couples in therapy, I often emphasize that small gestures of gratitude—such as saying “thank you” or recognizing your partner’s efforts—can reignite feelings of connection and love. However, I also stress the importance of taking this practice a step further. It ia vital to let your partner know the specific positive impact their actions or words have had on you. For instance, instead of simply saying, “thank you,” you could share, “Thank you so much for picking up my clothes from the drycleaners for me. I was stressed about when I’d have time to get it done during my busy day, but you doing this reduced my stress and allowed me to focus on my work. I really appreciate that.”

This deeper form of expressing gratitude often gets overlooked but is an essential element of a fulfilling romantic relationship. Here are four key reasons why this approach matters:

1. Strengthens Emotional Connection: When you articulate the positive impact of your partner’s actions or words, it naturally fosters a sense of gratitude toward them. This practice also enhances empathy, as your partner gains a deeper understanding of your feelings and experiences. Over time, this builds compassion and emotional intimacy within the relationship.2. Builds Resilience During Tough Times: Hearing how their actions positively impact you strengthens your partner’s sense of commitment. This reinforcement helps remind both partners of why they’re together, making it easier to weather challenges. Additionally, expressing gratitude in this way can reduce negative biases during conflicts, making it easier to resolve issues without lingering resentment.

3. Increases Relationship Satisfaction: When partners know how their actions directly benefit one another, they’re more likely to repeat those behaviors, creating a positive feedback loop. This practice also prevents partners from taking each other’s love and efforts for granted, especially in long-term commitments where complacency can set in.

4. Supports Mental and Emotional Well-Being: Sharing the specific positive impacts of their actions to our partners can reduce stress in them by fostering feelings of love and support within the relationship. This in turn can enhance self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence. When both individuals feel emotionally healthy and soothed, the bond between partners has a much greater chance of thriving.

by Jannel Thomas, LCMFT

Wednesday, November 27th, 2024

Around this time of year many people begin to speak of giving thanks. Gratitude, the quality of being thankful, is an awesome concept to practice for many reasons. Practicing gratitude has been associated with great effects including lowered stress levels, improved emotional well-being, improved physical health, strengthened relationships, increased resilience, improved sleep, and overall general life happiness. Here are a few tips to help foster gratitude this season:

1. Find Gratitude During Difficult Times – Life, even during the holiday season, can come with rough patches. When experiencing hardship, it can be really easy to lean into negative thinking. Practicing gratitude can help you find light during dark times. While gratitude will not automatically solve your negative feelings or make them disappear, it will create space for both negative and positive feelings to exist. This can create a favorable shift in your emotional energy.
2. Daily Reflection – Set aside time every day to take a few moments to identify things you are grateful for. Whether it’s something small such as a beautiful sunset or something larger such as being able to pay a bill. Journaling or writing down what you are grateful for can also be a helpful tool. It gives you the opportunity to reflect back on what you were grateful for during different times of your life. Additionally, it can be helpful to reference if you ever begin to struggle with practicing gratitude.
3. Practice Gratitude with Others – When was the last time you did a random act of kindness? Or the last time you told your partner thank you? Take the time to tell someone in your life how thankful you are for something specific that they have done recently or even just for who they are in general. In doing so, you create a moment of happiness that could brighten a random person’s day and/or strengthen the relationships with people in your life who are important to you. This can result in you feeling positive emotions while also building better, stronger relationships.Let’s use these tips to lean into the season of gratitude. By practicing gratitude daily, you can cultivate a mindset that will be helpful throughout life and not just during this holiday season. So take the time to feel and express gratitude. Be intentional. The positive impact that it will have on not only your life, but others is well worth it.

by Tamara Hull, LCMFT

Monday, October 29th, 2024

In his 30+ years of groundbreaking couples research, Dr. John Gottman determined four toxic communication patterns that predict divorce. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling are named the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” by Dr. Gottman for their destructive power in relationships.  Do you recognize any of these patterns playing a predominant role in your relationship?

1. Criticism – No couple agrees on everything, so conflict is expected at times. Being able to make a complaint to your partner and work towards a resolution together is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. However, when complaints about an issue turn into an argument filled with copious character or personality attacks, your relationship has crossed into a toxic communication zone.

2. Contempt – A second toxic communication pattern, contempt, occurs when words, (insults and name-calling), body language or voice tone (eye-rolling or sneering), or other negative intentions (put-downs, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery), are often present in your exchanges.

3. Defensiveness – This communication pattern often manifests as one partner’s persistent portrayal of themselves as a “victim” and their accompanying defensiveness leaves the other partner in the role of the “villain.” In this pattern, the “victim” partner often makes excuses that circumstances beyond their control forced them to act in a certain way. Frequent cross-complaining (responding with a complaint when you receive one from your partner), “Yes, but….” dialogues, failing to acknowledge your partner’s points while repeating your own, or frequent complaints of “It’s not fair” are signs of defensiveness impacting your relationship.

4. Stonewalling – When a disagreement heats up, it can be healthy for both parties to take a pause to “cool off” when one or both partners become flooded with strong negative emotions.  Setting a time to come back together and discuss the issue calmly can be an excellent way to navigate a highly sensitive disagreement.  However, if conflicts often end with one partner storming out or withdrawing for an extended period, or result in a pattern of stony silences accompanied by disapproval, icy distance, disconnection or smug behavior; one or both partners may have a default pattern of stonewalling.

If one or more of these patterns seems persistent in your relationship, it is often helpful to seek help from an experienced therapist.  With supportive assistance and both partners’ willingness to improve in this area, toxic communication patterns can be resolved to help restore healthy and loving communication in your relationship despite the natural differences that occur along the way.

Resource: The Gottman Institute website – https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

by Ann Pham, LGMFT

August 2nd, 2024

Have you ever felt like “walking on eggshells” when trying to communicate with your partner? Or worried about “navigating landmines” when contemplating what questions are safe enough to ask your partner? Sometimes, our well-thought-out questions and/or intentions are not well received and we are met with defensiveness, avoidance, and accusations.  If you notice these reactions from your partner, try these proactive methods instead.

1. Be Curious – When we bring up topics centered on our emotional needs being unmet, or a partner’s perceived mistakes, our significant others can become defensive due to feeling judged. Our partner may not view us as an emotionally safe person and will not easily admit mistakes without argument. Being mindful of how you communicate your needs goes a long way. Utilize curiosity as a tool to be an emotionally safe partner. “As your partner, I want to connect with you. This concern is important to me, could I understand more about your thoughts on this?”

2. Provide Reassurance – Partners who avoid or shut down when you approach them with uncomfortable topics do so to protect their emotional connection with you. They can view it as “If I answer incorrectly, this is going to be a huge fight, so I would rather not say anything to maintain peace.” If your partner is avoiding/distancing, offer them space and reassure them you want to maintain an emotional connection. “It is hard for me when I feel I’m being shut down. I want to respect your opinions and talk about this when you’re ready.”

3. Try Active Listening – If your partner accuses you of having a lack of concern for their feelings, try active listening before sharing your own thoughts. Hear out their concerns and take accountability for how you may have impacted them. When you create space for them to be heard, your partner becomes more willing to listen to you too.

By utilizing the proactive methods of curiosity, reassurance, and active listening, we make steps in our goal towards becoming an emotionally safe couple who has healthier conversations and lower levels of conflict.

by Jasmine Mauss, LCMFT

Friday, June 27th, 2024

Many couples report that it is extremely challenging to know when to walk away from an argument. One (or both) partners may have the emotional stamina to keep the conversation going for longer than is constructive. Although it may seem that we will reach a faster resolution this way, marathon fights can often do more damage than actual repair. Each person needs to take mutual responsibility to monitor the argument, assess if they are “past the point of no return,” and press the pause button on the conversation when necessary. Some signs that may signal you are in a non-constructive argument: rising intensity of volume, “low-blows” or snide comments, one person getting suddenly quiet, name-calling, and impenetrable defensiveness. As couple therapists, we often see common non-constructive argument trends. Below, we take a look at a few of these trends in more detail and illustrate why both partners need to do their part to disengage tactfully.

1. The Argument Goes in Circles –If the argument has exceeded forty-five minutes it is likely that you and your partner are saying the same things over and over again, just in different ways. I hear many couples say “we just go in circles” and return back to the original argument/same topics. If this is the case, it is likely that your conversation is stuck in a continuous feedback loop. Some remedies for this issue include: expressing more validation and understanding for your partner’s experience, stopping to talk about one person’s concern at a time, and calling out the repetitive nature of the conversation when you notice that you or your partner are repeating the same points. Being mindful of when this happens will save both people time, energy, and risk of resentment building up.2. Someone Shuts Down – Most couples have experienced an argument where one partner (or both) lose energy for the fight and begin to shut down. After continuous back and forth with no resolve, somebody begins to tap out of the conversation. You may notice that your partner’s mood has shifted into a more apathetic, exhausted, or resigned demeanor. While this can sometimes be perceived as rudeness, it is actually likely that there is emotional fatigue beginning to set in. It is likely that you or your partner may be feeling overwhelmed and flooded, no longer having the capacity to continue the conversation. In fact, people even have a mechanism in the brain that shuts off our “reasoning and rationalizing” abilities when we have experienced too intense a bout of “fight or flight.” It is important to respect this, give our brain and body a time-out, and return to the conversation when we are feeling more regulated and grounded.3. Getting Out of Character –What often makes arguments feel as torturous as they do, is the propensity for them to get more intense and damaging as they continue to escalate. All of us have an unconscious bag of defensive strategies that come out when we are feeling hurt or triggered. Some of the strategies are more adaptive, resourceful and effective than others. Healthy strategies will often lead towards diffusion of the argument and repair of the tension. Maladaptive strategies start to take on a more contemptuous, vicious, and vindictive nature. If you start to feel like you are breaking out of your normal character, or acting in a way that doesn’t align with your relationship values, it is probably time to take a break in the conversation. Think about whether or not you are showing up as your best self to the conversation. If the answer is no, time to pause!

by Meg Tenny, LCMFT

May 17th, 2024

One of the main complaints heard from the partners in couple therapy is that their partner is not listening and “does not hear them.” Partners want to be seen and feel heard. They want their feelings to be validated and their concerns to be understood by their spouses. Couples specifically enact an argument cycle that leaves each partner feeling more disconnected from their spouse. Given that it is such a common complaint, and at the same time, integral to improving couple communication and by extension, couple relationships, here are some simple tips to help you hear your partner.

1. Don’t Interrupt – There are very few things in a conversation that are as frustrating as being interrupted by the person you are speaking to. Do you interrupt your partner when they are talking? If you are worried that you won’t remember a point that you want to make, you can always write it down. If you interrupt your partner, they are likely interpreting that you deem your thoughts and feelings more important than theirs. It is a clear and negative signal to them that you are not ready to listen or to hear them out.
2. Slow Down – Most couples who struggle with hearing their partners’ concerns have a very fast-paced fight cycle. That is to say, when they argue, they are playing a fast game of ping pong back and forth with little regard for what the other person is trying to share. Not only are they interrupting, but it usually results in no one hearing the other as everyone tries to make their own point or defend themselves. Slow down the conversation to really hear your partner and what the concern may be before getting defensive and reacting.
3. Check Your Reactivity – It takes two people to keep an argument going. Have you ever been in an argument with a person who refuses to argue? It doesn’t get very far. Due to relationship history and a lack of emotional safety, couples get stuck in communication cycles that don’t benefit them. Much of the behavior of not listening stems from high reactivity and defensiveness. If this is you, you should take a look at it. Why are you so reactive? Why do you often counter with defensiveness? You stand to benefit from examining your internal emotions that may drive this need to protect yourself. A therapist may be able to assist you in sorting out and analyzing your feelings around it. Checking your own reactivity with your partner can help bring down the walls that act as obstacles to you really hearing your partner and having a closer connection to them.If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the ears are the portal to the heart. To be heard is to be loved and respected. It means that your thoughts and feelings are important and that you matter.