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by Tamara Hull, LCMFT

Monday, October 29th, 2024

In his 30+ years of groundbreaking couples research, Dr. John Gottman determined four toxic communication patterns that predict divorce. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling are named the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” by Dr. Gottman for their destructive power in relationships.  Do you recognize any of these patterns playing a predominant role in your relationship?

1. Criticism – No couple agrees on everything, so conflict is expected at times. Being able to make a complaint to your partner and work towards a resolution together is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. However, when complaints about an issue turn into an argument filled with copious character or personality attacks, your relationship has crossed into a toxic communication zone.

2. Contempt – A second toxic communication pattern, contempt, occurs when words, (insults and name-calling), body language or voice tone (eye-rolling or sneering), or other negative intentions (put-downs, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery), are often present in your exchanges.

3. Defensiveness – This communication pattern often manifests as one partner’s persistent portrayal of themselves as a “victim” and their accompanying defensiveness leaves the other partner in the role of the “villain.” In this pattern, the “victim” partner often makes excuses that circumstances beyond their control forced them to act in a certain way. Frequent cross-complaining (responding with a complaint when you receive one from your partner), “Yes, but….” dialogues, failing to acknowledge your partner’s points while repeating your own, or frequent complaints of “It’s not fair” are signs of defensiveness impacting your relationship.

4. Stonewalling – When a disagreement heats up, it can be healthy for both parties to take a pause to “cool off” when one or both partners become flooded with strong negative emotions.  Setting a time to come back together and discuss the issue calmly can be an excellent way to navigate a highly sensitive disagreement.  However, if conflicts often end with one partner storming out or withdrawing for an extended period, or result in a pattern of stony silences accompanied by disapproval, icy distance, disconnection or smug behavior; one or both partners may have a default pattern of stonewalling.

If one or more of these patterns seems persistent in your relationship, it is often helpful to seek help from an experienced therapist.  With supportive assistance and both partners’ willingness to improve in this area, toxic communication patterns can be resolved to help restore healthy and loving communication in your relationship despite the natural differences that occur along the way.

Resource: The Gottman Institute website – https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

by Ann Pham, LGMFT

August 2nd, 2024

Have you ever felt like “walking on eggshells” when trying to communicate with your partner? Or worried about “navigating landmines” when contemplating what questions are safe enough to ask your partner? Sometimes, our well-thought-out questions and/or intentions are not well received and we are met with defensiveness, avoidance, and accusations.  If you notice these reactions from your partner, try these proactive methods instead.

1. Be Curious – When we bring up topics centered on our emotional needs being unmet, or a partner’s perceived mistakes, our significant others can become defensive due to feeling judged. Our partner may not view us as an emotionally safe person and will not easily admit mistakes without argument. Being mindful of how you communicate your needs goes a long way. Utilize curiosity as a tool to be an emotionally safe partner. “As your partner, I want to connect with you. This concern is important to me, could I understand more about your thoughts on this?”

2. Provide Reassurance – Partners who avoid or shut down when you approach them with uncomfortable topics do so to protect their emotional connection with you. They can view it as “If I answer incorrectly, this is going to be a huge fight, so I would rather not say anything to maintain peace.” If your partner is avoiding/distancing, offer them space and reassure them you want to maintain an emotional connection. “It is hard for me when I feel I’m being shut down. I want to respect your opinions and talk about this when you’re ready.”

3. Try Active Listening – If your partner accuses you of having a lack of concern for their feelings, try active listening before sharing your own thoughts. Hear out their concerns and take accountability for how you may have impacted them. When you create space for them to be heard, your partner becomes more willing to listen to you too.

By utilizing the proactive methods of curiosity, reassurance, and active listening, we make steps in our goal towards becoming an emotionally safe couple who has healthier conversations and lower levels of conflict.

by Jasmine Mauss, LCMFT

Friday, June 27th, 2024

Many couples report that it is extremely challenging to know when to walk away from an argument. One (or both) partners may have the emotional stamina to keep the conversation going for longer than is constructive. Although it may seem that we will reach a faster resolution this way, marathon fights can often do more damage than actual repair. Each person needs to take mutual responsibility to monitor the argument, assess if they are “past the point of no return,” and press the pause button on the conversation when necessary. Some signs that may signal you are in a non-constructive argument: rising intensity of volume, “low-blows” or snide comments, one person getting suddenly quiet, name-calling, and impenetrable defensiveness. As couple therapists, we often see common non-constructive argument trends. Below, we take a look at a few of these trends in more detail and illustrate why both partners need to do their part to disengage tactfully.

1. The Argument Goes in Circles –If the argument has exceeded forty-five minutes it is likely that you and your partner are saying the same things over and over again, just in different ways. I hear many couples say “we just go in circles” and return back to the original argument/same topics. If this is the case, it is likely that your conversation is stuck in a continuous feedback loop. Some remedies for this issue include: expressing more validation and understanding for your partner’s experience, stopping to talk about one person’s concern at a time, and calling out the repetitive nature of the conversation when you notice that you or your partner are repeating the same points. Being mindful of when this happens will save both people time, energy, and risk of resentment building up.2. Someone Shuts Down – Most couples have experienced an argument where one partner (or both) lose energy for the fight and begin to shut down. After continuous back and forth with no resolve, somebody begins to tap out of the conversation. You may notice that your partner’s mood has shifted into a more apathetic, exhausted, or resigned demeanor. While this can sometimes be perceived as rudeness, it is actually likely that there is emotional fatigue beginning to set in. It is likely that you or your partner may be feeling overwhelmed and flooded, no longer having the capacity to continue the conversation. In fact, people even have a mechanism in the brain that shuts off our “reasoning and rationalizing” abilities when we have experienced too intense a bout of “fight or flight.” It is important to respect this, give our brain and body a time-out, and return to the conversation when we are feeling more regulated and grounded.3. Getting Out of Character –What often makes arguments feel as torturous as they do, is the propensity for them to get more intense and damaging as they continue to escalate. All of us have an unconscious bag of defensive strategies that come out when we are feeling hurt or triggered. Some of the strategies are more adaptive, resourceful and effective than others. Healthy strategies will often lead towards diffusion of the argument and repair of the tension. Maladaptive strategies start to take on a more contemptuous, vicious, and vindictive nature. If you start to feel like you are breaking out of your normal character, or acting in a way that doesn’t align with your relationship values, it is probably time to take a break in the conversation. Think about whether or not you are showing up as your best self to the conversation. If the answer is no, time to pause!

by Meg Tenny, LCMFT

May 17th, 2024

One of the main complaints heard from the partners in couple therapy is that their partner is not listening and “does not hear them.” Partners want to be seen and feel heard. They want their feelings to be validated and their concerns to be understood by their spouses. Couples specifically enact an argument cycle that leaves each partner feeling more disconnected from their spouse. Given that it is such a common complaint, and at the same time, integral to improving couple communication and by extension, couple relationships, here are some simple tips to help you hear your partner.

1. Don’t Interrupt – There are very few things in a conversation that are as frustrating as being interrupted by the person you are speaking to. Do you interrupt your partner when they are talking? If you are worried that you won’t remember a point that you want to make, you can always write it down. If you interrupt your partner, they are likely interpreting that you deem your thoughts and feelings more important than theirs. It is a clear and negative signal to them that you are not ready to listen or to hear them out.
2. Slow Down – Most couples who struggle with hearing their partners’ concerns have a very fast-paced fight cycle. That is to say, when they argue, they are playing a fast game of ping pong back and forth with little regard for what the other person is trying to share. Not only are they interrupting, but it usually results in no one hearing the other as everyone tries to make their own point or defend themselves. Slow down the conversation to really hear your partner and what the concern may be before getting defensive and reacting.
3. Check Your Reactivity – It takes two people to keep an argument going. Have you ever been in an argument with a person who refuses to argue? It doesn’t get very far. Due to relationship history and a lack of emotional safety, couples get stuck in communication cycles that don’t benefit them. Much of the behavior of not listening stems from high reactivity and defensiveness. If this is you, you should take a look at it. Why are you so reactive? Why do you often counter with defensiveness? You stand to benefit from examining your internal emotions that may drive this need to protect yourself. A therapist may be able to assist you in sorting out and analyzing your feelings around it. Checking your own reactivity with your partner can help bring down the walls that act as obstacles to you really hearing your partner and having a closer connection to them.If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the ears are the portal to the heart. To be heard is to be loved and respected. It means that your thoughts and feelings are important and that you matter.

by John Hart, PhD, LCMFT

Friday, April 19th, 2024

Now that spring is officially here, couples are excited about the various levels of connection they can have with each other outside of their homes. It’s time to have fun! Cherry blossom season is here, musical, and cultural events are gearing up, and cities such as Columbia, Baltimore, and even D.C. are mobilizing to be hotspots for all forms of fun attractions for couples in the DMV area. Although the warmer temperatures and the sun shining gives all of us a positive outlook on life, couples still struggle to explore ways that they can have fun together. Issues with communicating wants, troubles with planning fun times, as well as being emotionally available and engaged during these fun moments have historically impacted couples around the idea of having fun together. Who would have thought that couples would experience many levels of conflict when having fun together? But it happens. Having fun as a couple is a major priority for relationships. Below are three tips for couples who are interested in how to have more fun together while managing any form of conflict or disagreement.

1. Make It Collaborative – It is wise that when planning a fun time together, couples do it collaboratively. It is important to be open, flexible, creative, and easy-going when planning a fun time together. Imagine this—how likely are we to experience fun with our partners if the planning of the fun time itself was a disaster? Planning fun time together can be a moment of quality time and we should be positive as we embark on an upcoming bonding moment. Don’t destroy the potential of the fun time by not working collaboratively when planning.
2. Consider Disruptions – To enjoy your fun time together, it is critical to consider the many influences that could disrupt the fun. Factors such as weather, childcare, illness, and finances pose various complications for you and your partner’s time together. This form of planning allows both partners to practice another critical relationship skill—problem solving. Try problem solving and creating alternative plans based on the factors that could impact your intentional time together.
3. Debrief Together – One of the things that gets overlooked after we have had a fun time with our partners is intentionally having a debrief. “Debrief” refers to a conversation between both partners during which they reflect on:
a.  Appreciations about each other based on their time together,
b. What you enjoyed, what you didn’t enjoy, what changes would you make for next time?
c. Having an idea of the next time you both will go have fun (note: this is not about scheduling the next fun time, but it is always helpful to say “let’s try having fun together again in a couple of weeks.”)

by Jannel Thomas, LCMFT

March 8th, 2024

Apologies are a great relationship tool that can help partners feel heard, seen, and understood. They are a chance for partners to acknowledge their role in the harm that has been done. They also create an opportunity for healthy communication by showing that you care about your partner’s perspective and feelings. However, apologies are not always received well or accepted by your partner. This can lead you to questioning: what went wrong? Here are some factors to consider when attempting to apologize to your partner:

1. Body Language – It is important for you to convey that your apology is sincere through open body language. Examples of open body language include eye contact, open posture, warm tone of voice, facing your partner directly, and being focused on your partner. If you do not use open body language when apologizing, you may unintentionally be communicating to your partner that your apology is not genuine or honest which is the opposite of what you want. In other words, when issuing an apology, it is important to be mindful of what you are communicating non-verbally, in addition to your word choice.
2. Word Choice – Be intentional about what you want to say when you apologize. A good apology takes ownership of your actions and its consequences. Avoid the word “but” when issuing an apology as it can invalidate anything that you said before it. For example, if you say, “I’m sorry, but you were making me feel upset.” This shifts the blame to your partner and thus deflects from you taking responsibility for your role in the interaction. Although it may take more work, planning out your apology ahead of time can help decrease the possibility of future conflict.
3. Validate Your Partner’s Feelings – Validation can be seen as a recognition that your partner’s feelings and opinions are worthwhile. An example might be, “I can understand why you were angry with me today.” Acknowledging your partner’s feelings conveys that you respect their feelings and care about them. Validating your partner’s feelings also communicates that you have good intentions in the apology.

Apologizing is not always easy. It can be hard to admit that you’re wrong, especially to someone you care about. However, apologies can go a long way in relationships as they usually have a positive impact on your partner and you! Hopefully by keeping these tips in mind your apology will resonate positively with your partner.

By Diamond Greene, LCMFT

January 29th, 2024

As the new year begins, many of us are embarking on journeys to improve our lives and setting resolutions related to mental health. However, sustaining these goals can be challenging amidst the rigors of daily life. Thus, our goals are often unmet, and we are left feeling discouraged. Check out these tips to help you maintain your mental health goals throughout the year and build a foundation for lasting well-being.

1. Establish Realistic Goals – The first step in maintaining your mental health goals is to set realistic and achievable targets. Understand your limitations and create objectives that align with your current circumstances. For instance, attaching a goal to a habit that you have already established will help make a new goal more manageable. Additionally, instead of overwhelming yourself with broad or unrealistic goals, break them down into smaller, manageable steps. By setting achievable milestones, you’ll build a sense of accomplishment, boosting your motivation to continue your mental health journey throughout the year.

1. Prioritize Self-Care – Maintaining mental health goals requires consistent self-care practices. Prioritize activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment. This could include activities such as mindfulness exercises, regular physical activity, proper sleep hygiene, and nurturing social connections. Treat self-care not as a luxury but as a necessity for your well-being. Incorporating these habits into your routine will create a supportive environment for sustaining your mental health goals, helping you navigate challenges with resilience and a positive mindset.

1. Monitor Progress – Regularly assess your progress toward your mental health goals. Reflect on what is working well and what might need adjustment. Be flexible and willing to adapt your strategies as life circumstances evolve. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small, and use setbacks as opportunities for learning and growth. By staying attuned to your progress, you can make informed decisions about refining your approach, ensuring that your mental health goals remain relevant and achievable throughout the year.

As you navigate the path towards better mental health in the new year, remember to set realistic goals, prioritize self-care, and regularly assess and adjust your strategies. By incorporating these three steps into your journey, you’ll not only sustain your mental health goals but also foster a long-lasting commitment to well-being. Embrace the process, be kind to yourself, and build a foundation for a healthier and more fulfilling life!

by Wilson A. Llerena, LCMFT

October 31, 2023

Sometimes, life can get pretty busy. So busy that we lose track of the important things in life. Unfortunately, that could end up being the people we care about most. At the end of a long workweek, we may be lacking energy to commit to being present for the relationship.

Whether you are newly married or are about to celebrate your 25^th wedding anniversary, all relationships go through tough times. What will make it last is continuing to be mindful and keeping the relationship a top priority. Here are some ways to re-ignite the relationship and keep the fire burning during these chilly fall evenings.

1. Create Daily Rituals – While it is always good to have some spontaneity in your life, relationships in general thrive on structure and routine. It can be helpful to find some consistency in connection with your relationship. These could be things you and your partner used to do but got away from, or new rituals you want to create. Daily affirmations, phone calls during lunch, or good morning texts can go a long way to showing your partner that you are thinking about them when you aren’t with them.
2. Be Intentional with Quality Time – It is really easy to come home from a long day at the office and turn on your favorite tv show with your partner. We are hopeful that our weekends will be filled with fun and adventure, but it can sometimes be more television if we don’t plan properly. Be pro-active with your quality time. Schedule date nights in advance, plan indoor and outdoor weekend activities, and aim to be more present rather than just going through the motions.
3. Discover New Interests Together – As stated earlier, spontaneity, every once in a while, is a good thing. That thing you want to do that you never did? Now may be the time to give it a try with your partner. Find new hobbies and activities that challenge you or take you out of your comfort zone. Trying a new sport, traveling to new places, experimenting with new cuisine, or even starting a new tradition together can be a great way to reconnect.