by Meg Tenny, LCMFT
September 3rd, 2025
As couple therapists at RCC, we break down the nitty-gritty of couple communication in order to guide our couples towards stronger connections using communication as a bridge. There are often questions about the differences between sympathy/commiseration and empathy and how each is expressed. Which one is the more emotionally connective approach in couple communication? To find the answer, we look at the quality of connection that each can foster, as well as positive or negative emotional responses from the partner. Let’s look at some examples first.
Sympathy/Commiseration Example
Partner 1: “I had a hard time at work today and I feel sad about it.”
Partner 2: “Me too! I am having such a hard time at work lately and I’m super sad! Let me tell you about it.”
Empathy Example
Partner 1: “I had a hard time at work today and I feel sad about it.”
Partner 2: “I am sorry to hear that, that sounds really hard. I can understand why it makes you feel sad. Tell me more about what is going on at work.”
If you are Partner 1, which response from Partner 2 makes you feel more deeply understood? Empathy is a preferable response in couple communication for a few important reasons. Here are three tips to help you use empathy with your partner:
1. Don’t Make it About You – Have you ever heard the saying “Misery loves company”? Many people assume that letting their partner know that they are going through something similar is helpful for the partner to hear. However, commiserating sometimes has an unintentional consequence to it. The focus is taken away from Partner 1 and put on Partner 2’s feelings. This can, in turn, lead Partner 1 to feel that they were not seen or heard. It can even begin to feel like a hardship competition between the partners in some conversations. To learn to empathize with your partner, keep the focus on their feelings and experience, and put yourself in their shoes to try to understand their perspective.
2. Don’t Assume Sameness – Commiserating is sometimes a positive experience in which couples can sympathize with one another in the same experience. Unfortunately, assumptions that emotional experiences are the same between partners can leave Partner 1 feeling that their experience was not understood and can lead to misunderstandings. Try instead to honor your partner’s unique emotions, experience and perspective, without comparing it to any other experience, including your own.
3. Be a Good Listener – One of couples’ biggest complaints in their communication is that they don’t feel heard or understood by their partner. There are better ways to help your partner feel heard and understood than through commiseration. Be a better listener by being quiet while your partner is sharing, by paying 100 percent attention to your partner when they are speaking, and by validating your partner’s feelings when they are finished speaking. You can say “That sounds really hard” or “I can see why you’re feeling this way.” Providing an empathic response will make the partner feel that you are present and that you are here for them, as well as that you can truly understand and hear them.
