by Tamara Hull, LCMFT
July 31st, 2025
Often people think all the power, beauty, and strength in a conversation comes from the things that we say to one another. While the words we say to our partner are important, have meaning, and can carry a lot of weight; we often miss the fact that it is our listening, not our speaking, that can really be the sweetest gift and most powerful part of any conversation with the one we love! In fact, paradoxically, it is the listening that we give to our partner that often has the most impact in determining if we reach the outcomes we seek!
Here are some tips to tune up your imperative listening power:
- Stay Curious: When we’re hearing our partner share a story or a problem, we sometimes fail to realize that we may have already decided what the other person’s part of the problem, contribution to the problem, solution to the problem, or even, blame in this situation is, well before they finish speaking. Although it is natural to formulate opinions quickly; staying curious enough to temporarily suspend your own ideas and opinions in favor of fully hearing what your partner has to say is often the best option for leaving your partner feeling loved and supported as they share their own thoughts, feelings and desires.
- Check In and Reflect Back: Remember, what you heard may or may not be what your partner actually said! To avoid discrepancies, when your partner finishes speaking, restate the main thoughts and feelings and desires that your partner has shared. Checking in with your partner can often shorten or avoid arguments and decrease frustration for both people.
- Accept What Your Partner Says: When your partner is speaking about their own thoughts, feelings and desires, accept what they say. If you find yourself disagreeing with or denying your partner’s feelings, it may be time for a listening tune up! Regularly hearing and accepting your partner’s thoughts and feelings as valid can prevent your partner from feeling unheard, lonely, exhausted and defeated.
Healthy intimate relationships require that each partner’s feelings, thoughts and desires are heard and considered equally important. Take time to “listen to your own listening” to help expand your ability to validate your partner and foster the warm, loving connection you seek in your relationship. If you’re having difficulty with this, consider reaching out for support from a qualified couple therapist. Good Luck and Happy Listening!
