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by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

Every year, right before New Year’s, we think about the year that is coming to an end and we contemplate ways that we can go about the brand new year. Sometimes our New Year’s Resolutions include things like going to the gym more, staying fit and healthy, spending less and saving more, and/or enjoying life to the fullest. But there is another set of resolutions that are just as critically important – those that involve you and your family. It is important to fully acknowledge and accept that we do not live our lives without others. Our lives are interdependent with those closest to us and they greatly impact us. In addition to the resolutions that involve our own personal goals, such as staying fit and saving money, explore aspirations that address relationship goals. Here are three healthy New Year’s Resolutions that we can all work towards:

1. Make Repair Efforts: Arguments, disputes, disagreements, or other situations in which you and another person (e.g., your significant other, family member, co-worker, etc.) are relating to one other in unhealthy ways are going to happen – that’s life. But most of our work moving forward in the New Year can be reconciling with people. Reconciling is much more than just saying “sorry,” it involves two people working together. Share with your loved one what you will need to feel things are repaired and ask for feedback in return. This is where communication and problem-solving skills kick in. There is no time like the present to start using them.

2. Listen, Listen, Listen: I laughed the other day when I was watching a show and one of the characters said “you have two ears and one mouth…so that means you should be listening more than talking.” We tell our clients that you need to listen, listen, listen when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Why? An action as basic as listening makes the other person feel comfortable, safe and connected to you. And if you think about it, you also want people to listen to you because it makes you feel the same way. So for 2017, let’s resolve to stop interrupting others or thinking about our own responses while someone else is talking and just…listen!

3. Seek Support in Good Times and Bad: It is important to avoid feeling alone during the ups and downs of life. Seeking support from our loved ones is a healthy behavior that improves physical and mental well-being. There is nothing wrong with needing people during moments of vulnerability. Positive experiences elicit vulnerable feelings too, not just negative ones. This is where we can push ourselves in the New Year – find the courage to ask for support and express your needs clearly to your support system. No more thinking “I don’t want to bother people with my problems,” or “I don’t want to make other people feel bad in sharing my own joy.” Social support is amazing and we need it for both good and bad times – in taking good care of ourselves, let’s ask for it when we need it in 2017!

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

When the holiday season arrives, it feels like a hectic family free-for-all. Trying to juggle celebrating long-standing traditions, relationships with relatives, and stressful factors like travel can add up to a frenzied time of year.

1. Negotiate family holidays early: Work with your partner to negotiate holidays ahead of time, like one year prior. Find a system that works for you, whether that includes time with each partner’s extended family, time with your children at home, or going on a destination vacation. Make sure the system is fair to each partner and shows value to each partner’s family of origin, regardless of the relationships with those members. Navigate feelings around visiting arrangements, such as staying in a parent’s home or in a neutral zone (like a hotel) before you arrive. Understand that the emphasis is put on quality time with relatives and carrying on revered traditions that have brought kin together over generations.
2. Start a new couple tradition: Celebrating old traditions is a time-honored method of paying homage to family culture and remembering members that have passed on. It is also valuable to take some time alone to show someone who is in the “here and now” that they are important to you – your spouse. If there is an adult sibling or a grandparent around, speak to them about the possibility of babysitting while you and your partner have a couple date. Try something that you haven’t before, or alternatively, do something that you used to do when you first started dating. You can start a new tradition that celebrates you as a couple during this giving time of year and it also reminds your spouse that you don’t take them for granted.
3. Remember to have fun: It is easy to let the stress get to you and to become snippy with your partner. Don’t lose sight of what the holidays are all about: quality time with family and having fun. If you are too frazzled to have any fun, you need to re-center yourself to appreciate the valuable things in life – family for whom you are grateful, including your spouse. Therapy can help you negotiate and manage the stress level in your relationship. Even though it is tempting to hit the pause button on therapy over the holiday season because you are so busy, it is a good time to keep attending to deal with taxing issues as they arise.

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

In a relationship, one form of showing our love to our partners is to express, “I love you.” While such an expression carries so much weight in making our partners feel secure in the relationship, there are other critical ways that we should consider that are just as important in increasing the emotional security in our relationships.  Accepting your partner is an important aspect of a healthy relationship. While this may sound basic and cliché, accepting your partner for who they are is one of the hardest things to do.

Acceptance in a couple’s relationship is very hard because there are always going to be things about our partner that we would like to see different or improved upon. But, we have to be mindful that our partners are their own persons and they come into our lives with their own unique lived experiences, past traumas and hurts, and personalities just as we do. As a result, healthy couples do a great job on making sure the acceptance both partners display to each other is high while also promoting growth for each partner and the relationship. If this is something you and your partner would like to work on in your relationship, there are three critical things to consider:

1. Accept yourself: Of course this makes sense. But think about it – before we can truly and fully accept our partners, we need to truly and fully accept ourselves. By accepting yourself, you create a strong foundation and an empathic perspective that allows you to understand the differences that exist between you and your partner. For example, accepting yourself allows you to be mindful that you (and your partner) each have some flaws and some growing to do and because of that before you criticize or harp on their improvements, you’ll know that you have things to work on as well.

2. Pick Your Battles: Healthy couples do this really well. They understand the difference between the patterns or behaviors that are critical for their partners to improve on that are necessary for the relationship itself to grow than patterns or behaviors of their partner that they themselves would like to see change, but it is more so for their own wants or desires. Not understanding the difference will cause a lot of conflict in the relationship because it will lead one partner to feel so insecure and perceive that their partner does not fully love them for who they are. So, you have to understand the difference and pick your battles smartly.

3. Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries in interpersonal relationships is paramount for the growth of any person. Even in your romantic relationship, you and your partner can increase acceptance by working together and creating secure and flexible boundaries in the relationship that allow both partners to grow individually while feeling secure. And remember, we have to accept that we are different from our partners and that means that our partners may have different needs than us. So make sure you both communicate these boundaries clearly and effectively and when they have been fairly negotiated, accept them. By accepting your partner’s boundaries, you will show them that you truly understand your partner and respect them.

by BreAnna Davis, LGMFT

Many are familiar with the saying “‘Til death do us part.” This line in traditional wedding vows implies that nothing but death will separate the unification of two people. It’s possible that this saying could even be interpreted to mean “We are now one, we must live our lives together, and do everything with each other!”

The fact of the matter is, merging your life with another does come with increased closeness. There are several benefits of this. For example, it makes it natural to have experiences of quality time. And quality time is valuable and nurturing for the relationship.

However, being inseparable can be problematic, especially early on. It could cause a person to lose a sense of self. It could lead to overdependence. It could even cause a person to neglect other important priorities, such as work or their family/friends. So, it is important to find a balance. Consider these things when finding the balance that works for you and your partner:

1. Do we view alone time in the same way? People need different levels of time with and apart from their partner.  Think about what kind of time you need alone. Communicate with your partner what you need and want.

2. What does quality time look like for our relationship? Consider the kind of time you want to spend together. This may unfold naturally due to your schedules, but it is recommended to explicitly protect time to show your relationship is priority. Be open to creating time together, even if it ranges from explicit togetherness (e.g., cooking together) to being “together, but apart” (e.g., partaking in different activities while sitting close together).

3. Have we reached a healthy interdependence? The best way to see if you have found the balance that works for you all is to communicate. Check in and see what is working and what might need to be changed. Stay attuned to the ebb and flow that you are creating as a couple and work to maintain it. However, be mindful that you may need to be flexible and find alternative ways of meeting the couple and individual’s needs as different life stressors arise.

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

We all experience some down days, but a bigger challenge is helping a partner who has gotten trapped in depression. Perhaps your partner is having trouble getting out of the bed in the morning, experiences troubling changes in eating and sleeping patterns, or feels sad and hopeless. Whatever the symptoms, you may notice that your partner is stuck in a rut. What can you do to help them get unstuck?

1. Listen with love: When speaking to your partner about possible depression, make sure you talk to them directly about it. Ask them how they feel and really listen. Sit quietly, look at them while they are talking, and maintain eye contact. Don’t dismiss or try to talk them out of their feelings. Don’t blame them for feeling sad. Let them know that you are concerned about how they feel and that they can come and talk to you about it anytime they need to.

2. Give opportunities without enabling: Give your partner openings to try to break out of their depressive cycle. For example, ask if they would like to exercise with you or take a fun weekend trip away to get a change of scenery. If they say no, don’t take it personally. It is tempting at this time to do things for the partner, which the partner has stopped doing. Figure out some temporary and realistic expectations, but also maintain boundaries that you will not pick up the partner’s slack, in terms of work, schoolwork, parenting and chores.

3. Encourage your partner to get help: It is important for your partner to get some help to break free from depression. You can suggest going to see a therapist, and possibly attending a psychiatric evaluation. Couple therapy is also an effective mode for treating depression of one partner.

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

A friend of mine asked me a long time ago, “Are you living or are you existing?”  This is a common problem that couples struggle with over the course of their relationship. “Existing” refers to the robotic lifestyle of doing the same thing over and over, day in and day out. “Living,” on the other hand, suggests the lifestyle of being in the now, embracing variation and indulging your desires without feeling guilty. The easiest way to achieve the goal of “living” again comes down to one basic intention – bring the fun back to your romantic relationship.

1. Slow Down: We live in a fast-paced world and sometimes we just keep going, which leads to a robotic, boring lifestyle. In order to have fun again, you and your partner need to work hard to slow things down in both of your lives. What does slowing down accomplish? Of course, it allows you to catch your breath. But more importantly, slowing down gives both you and your partner the opportunity to be more physically, emotionally and mentally present with one other.

2. Explore Shared Interests: Think about it! You and your partner are together likely because there was a strong level of shared interests in beginning of the relationship that guided fun, humor, and a sense of lightheartedness. Then life kicked in and the time spent on common hobbies started to dwindle. Once you and your partner have slowed things down, get back to having those intriguing conversations on shared interests. Why not even go the extra step to explore new activities together? It will create an invigorating spirit in your relationship that will keep it fresh and exciting.

3. Be Unpredictable: This does not mean that you should throw all structure and reliability out of the window. But being unpredictable can also be a fun experience. Try to push yourself and your partner out of your comfort zones. Be more spontaneous and make fun a priority in your life again.

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

Like other things in life, therapy is as beneficial for you as the effort you put into it. Therapy can help you improve your emotional quality of life in a variety of areas.

1. Processing Your Feelings: Talking to a therapist can help you to cope with difficult life transitions and work through negative feelings so that you can move forward in your life. The therapist asks thought-provoking questions to support you in considering issues more comprehensively and to help you get emotionally “unstuck.” The simple act of talking about your problems regularly to a validating and non-judgmental person goes a long way towards helping you accept and progress through challenging life events

2. Resolving Family Issues: A therapist can provide a safe environment for your couple unit or family to come to agreements, as well as air grievances openly, with the goal of having a more peaceful marriage and family life. A therapist is often considered a “neutral” professional who can help people manage their emotions in session and communicate their needs to one another more effectively. There is a great benefit in speaking to a therapist because they represent someone who is outside of the family. Therapists are trained to assist you with these issues and can facilitate conversations between family members.

3. Achieving Necessary Change: Going to a therapist can help you identify your behavioral and emotional goals, cut out bad habits, and replace them with new, healthier patterns.  There may also be an opportunity to work on being your “authentic self,” that is, your true self.  You know you have achieved this goal when your words match your actions and you feel you have become the best version of yourself.

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

You’ve decided that you’re ready to find a therapist to help with some issues that you’ve been experiencing lately. But how do you go about finding a therapist? There are many useful therapist search websites available, which can narrow your search by zip code, issue, theoretical orientation, and even insurance: sites like  Psychology Today  and  the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.  More importantly, how do you ensure that you find a good therapist who can help you? What defines a “good therapist”?

1.   Therapist is Specialized, Licensed and Experienced

A “good therapist” is someone who is trained and licensed in the subject in which you are experiencing problems. For example, if you are experiencing marital problems, it is best to see a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFT), who is trained in facilitating the resolution of systemic couple issues. You can verify licensure qualifications with therapist professional boards. They should also be a clinical member of their professional organization. Generally, therapists who are more experienced tend to be more helpful.

2.   Therapist is a “Good Fit”

A good therapist will also be a “good fit” for you, which means that you feel comfortable taking sensitive matters to the therapist. You experience the therapist as an emotionally safe and validating professional, who is also confident in challenging you on your growth areas. You should feel like you are on the same team as the therapist and find that therapist suggestions and the style of therapeutic interaction are effective and beneficial to you. Therapist shopping is not a bad idea. You will probably have a feeling one way or the other about the fit in the first session. Getting referrals from family and friends, even coworkers, is often valuable.

3.   Financial Concerns

Nobody likes to talk about money, but it is an important factor when choosing a therapist. Most deep emotional issues can’t be resolved in one or two quick sessions. When considering a therapist, you should think about what you can afford. If you need to use your insurance, you should look into therapists who are approved by your insurance panel. Alternatively, it may just be worth it to spend the money on a specialized therapist who is more expensive and including the cost of therapy sessions in your financial planning. In the long run, good couple therapy might not only save your marriage, but could also be significantly cheaper than getting a divorce.

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

If you are a people-pleaser, you have trouble saying no when you are asked to do something. People-pleasers tend to be those who put others’ needs before their own and look for validation outside of themselves. They enjoy feeling needed and worry about other peoples’ negative reactions. People-pleasing can cause emotional and physical illness and, ultimately, lead to burn out. Learning how to say no becomes an integral first step to bringing people-pleasing behavior to an end.

1. Prioritize Your Life: Pick three top priorities in your life. For example, are work performance and/or academic grades important to you? Is spending time with family or friends a priority? Is working on your relationship critical? Make your goals very specific. For example, “I want to spend more quality time with my spouse by doing at least one date night a week.” People-pleasers often prioritize other peoples’ goals over their own. You will need to know your priorities, so that you can make an informed choice when the time comes to decide.

2. Delay Your Response: When a request is made, don’t agree to it right away, even if you think you would like to say yes. Say “Let me think about that and I will get back to you by tomorrow.” Then you can sit on the decision and see if you have the time, desire and energy to honor the request, and consider whether the request matches your life priorities. If you decide to say no, you can say, “I checked my calendar, and unfortunately, I won’t be able to meet your request.” If the person tries to convince you otherwise, use the broken-record technique. Calmly repeat the same statement you already made until the request stops.

3. Accept that You Can’t Make Everyone Happy: This is a tough one for people-pleasers. You will have to come to recognize that there may always be someone who is unhappy, no matter how much you might go out of your way to help them. You can’t be everything to everyone. Understand that, even if they have negative reactions to you saying no, most of the time, they will get beyond it. You will have to practice dealing with other people’s feelings of anger or disappoint without internalizing them. You might consider seeing a therapist to explore and work through deeper issues with conflict avoidance, guilt and anxiety, or low self-confidence.