by Tamara Hull, LCMFT
Monday, October 29th, 2024
In his 30+ years of groundbreaking couples research, Dr. John Gottman determined four toxic communication patterns that predict divorce. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling are named the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” by Dr. Gottman for their destructive power in relationships. Do you recognize any of these patterns playing a predominant role in your relationship?
1. Criticism – No couple agrees on everything, so conflict is expected at times. Being able to make a complaint to your partner and work towards a resolution together is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. However, when complaints about an issue turn into an argument filled with copious character or personality attacks, your relationship has crossed into a toxic communication zone.
2. Contempt – A second toxic communication pattern, contempt, occurs when words, (insults and name-calling), body language or voice tone (eye-rolling or sneering), or other negative intentions (put-downs, hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery), are often present in your exchanges.
3. Defensiveness – This communication pattern often manifests as one partner’s persistent portrayal of themselves as a “victim” and their accompanying defensiveness leaves the other partner in the role of the “villain.” In this pattern, the “victim” partner often makes excuses that circumstances beyond their control forced them to act in a certain way. Frequent cross-complaining (responding with a complaint when you receive one from your partner), “Yes, but….” dialogues, failing to acknowledge your partner’s points while repeating your own, or frequent complaints of “It’s not fair” are signs of defensiveness impacting your relationship.
4. Stonewalling – When a disagreement heats up, it can be healthy for both parties to take a pause to “cool off” when one or both partners become flooded with strong negative emotions. Setting a time to come back together and discuss the issue calmly can be an excellent way to navigate a highly sensitive disagreement. However, if conflicts often end with one partner storming out or withdrawing for an extended period, or result in a pattern of stony silences accompanied by disapproval, icy distance, disconnection or smug behavior; one or both partners may have a default pattern of stonewalling.
If one or more of these patterns seems persistent in your relationship, it is often helpful to seek help from an experienced therapist. With supportive assistance and both partners’ willingness to improve in this area, toxic communication patterns can be resolved to help restore healthy and loving communication in your relationship despite the natural differences that occur along the way.
Resource: The Gottman Institute website – https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
