by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT
‘Tis the season to figure out two important things heading into the holidays – what your plans are for spending time with both sides of the family and what your plans are for securing couple time. This conversation tends to be complicated, stressful and annoying right before the joyful holiday season. One of the prominent issues that couples struggle with when having this conversation is that both partners are primarily, and at times solely, focused on meeting the needs of their respective families of origin. Couples forget that they also need to set healthy boundaries with their families to save some couple time. Couple time is necessary because time with families can be stressful and it allows the couple to decompress and focus on one other. Before the guilt creeps in, please know that it is possible to split time between your families and your partner. Here are three steps to be successful:
1. Communicate Explicitly: Sounds easy, right? This is a basic step that can be easily overlooked. Many times our partners assume that we already know what specific plans and traditions they and their family want to engage in. This assumption leads to a communication breakdown. Because we are not mind readers, make sure you and your partner explicitly communicate with each other the needs of both families and the needs of your partner for alone time. That way you and your partner can make the appropriate adjustments beforehand.
2. Prioritize Both Individual and Joint Goals: It is important to work with your partner to prioritize individual and joint goals for the holidays. This is vital to ensure that you respect the needs of one other while giving priority to your goals as a couple. When prioritizing goals make sure that it involves both partners and that it is not just one partner dictating to the other. By prioritizing your individual and joint goals, you and your partner show each other support, attention and consideration.
3. Negotiate in Good Faith: Work with your partner and negotiate in good faith with one other. It is essential to reach a fair agreement, to avoid building resentment in the relationship. When both partners understand that they need to give a little, they both gain a lot. You are on the same team, so don’t compete with your partner – work closely with them and get a joint plan going for the holidays.
