by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT
In a healthy relationship, it is important to establish emotional security between partners, so that trust and intimacy can build. How does one go about improving emotional security? The best time to create security occurs when your partner is having a vulnerable emotional experience and you can act as a support. It is difficult to know how to feel, think and act during these moments of vulnerability. This is due to several reasons. First, vulnerability brings out raw and intense emotions that range from hurt and sadness to disgust and shame; these emotions are hard to identify immediately and there is no “quick fix” to resolving them. Second, we are managing our own feelings at the same time. These situations leave us in a state of confusion and feeling uncertain as to whose emotion to tend to first. Lastly, this type of situation may call for more effort and patience on your part. This is tough because we tend to be eager to resolve feelings and issues as quickly as possible. Here are three strategies to use the next time your partner is having a vulnerable emotional experience and you would like to support them:
1. Change the Physical State: One of the best ways to restore emotional security in our partner’s life is to help them calm down by slowing things down physiologically. Usually, when we are vulnerable, our thoughts and emotions are intense and are running fast. Help your partner slow down by engaging in various techniques – deep breathing, turning off any type of noise (e.g., television, radio), quieting the kids down, dimming the lights, and even getting them a cold beverage. This helps your partner slow down because it focuses on calming the body and mind. This provides a gateway to identifying and communicating feelings, rather than getting overwhelmed by them.
2. Focus on Emotions, not Events: Our favorite question to ask our partner when they are having a vulnerable emotional experience is “What happened?” It is important to ask this because we need context for what has caused so much distress. But the problem is that we focus on the event and not on the vulnerable emotions. The emotions are more important than the event. Ask these questions instead: “How are you feeling right now?”; “What are all of the emotions going on for you?”; and “How intense is your feeling?”
3. Inquire about Needs: End conversations by asking your partner: “What do you need from me right now?” This is a powerful question because it shows that you are focused on them and that you are willing to go the distance to support them, as well as that their well-being is your primary concern. These strategies will help move you forward in establishing emotional safety and security in the relationship.
