by Ann Pham, LGMFT
August 2nd, 2024
Have you ever felt like “walking on eggshells” when trying to communicate with your partner? Or worried about “navigating landmines” when contemplating what questions are safe enough to ask your partner? Sometimes, our well-thought-out questions and/or intentions are not well received and we are met with defensiveness, avoidance, and accusations. If you notice these reactions from your partner, try these proactive methods instead.
1. Be Curious – When we bring up topics centered on our emotional needs being unmet, or a partner’s perceived mistakes, our significant others can become defensive due to feeling judged. Our partner may not view us as an emotionally safe person and will not easily admit mistakes without argument. Being mindful of how you communicate your needs goes a long way. Utilize curiosity as a tool to be an emotionally safe partner. “As your partner, I want to connect with you. This concern is important to me, could I understand more about your thoughts on this?”
2. Provide Reassurance – Partners who avoid or shut down when you approach them with uncomfortable topics do so to protect their emotional connection with you. They can view it as “If I answer incorrectly, this is going to be a huge fight, so I would rather not say anything to maintain peace.” If your partner is avoiding/distancing, offer them space and reassure them you want to maintain an emotional connection. “It is hard for me when I feel I’m being shut down. I want to respect your opinions and talk about this when you’re ready.”
3. Try Active Listening – If your partner accuses you of having a lack of concern for their feelings, try active listening before sharing your own thoughts. Hear out their concerns and take accountability for how you may have impacted them. When you create space for them to be heard, your partner becomes more willing to listen to you too.
By utilizing the proactive methods of curiosity, reassurance, and active listening, we make steps in our goal towards becoming an emotionally safe couple who has healthier conversations and lower levels of conflict.
