by Wilson A. Llerena, MS, LGMFT
Most of us hope that the partner we choose in life will always make us happy. We usually try to see the best part of that person rather than the worst. At some point, however, you find yourself butting heads with the person you care about the most. It’s unfair to expect ourselves or our partner to be perfect all the time or meet every one of our needs. Sometimes, in the heat of an argument, frustration escalates to hurt and pain. Though it is not our intention, once certain things are said, they can’t be taken back. Here are some ways to de-escalate an argument before it gets out of hand.
1. Breathe: Everyone gets angry. It’s a natural human emotion. Notice the physiological signs that escalation is approaching (i.e. tension in face, increased heart rate, dry mouth, grinding teeth, feeling hot, talking louder). If everything is happening too quickly, take a slow, deep, breath. Slow, deep breathing increases blood flow to the brain and reduces your heat rate, which will allow you to take a step back and think more clearly. Anger can blind us and make us forget why the fight started in the first place.
2. Be Mindful: You are the expert on yourself. As you notice the physiological signs of anger during an argument, do some self-reflective work and ask: What is coming up for me? What was I doing/feeling right before the argument started? Are the emotions I am feeling related to something more personal, or about something from the past? Is this argument similar to past arguments? Once you are able to take a step back and reflect, you can switch your focus to your partner, similarly asking: What do I know about them that is making this argument so personal? What was my partner doing right before the argument started? What struggles have I seen them go through that may be influencing this argument? What is happening that doesn’t make them feel safe right now?
3. Take a Time Out: Time outs are important because they remove us from the environment so we can re-evaluate the situation. No, this doesn’t make you weak, and this doesn’t mean you see your partner as a child. Think about the time outs that coaches call in sports – time outs are used all the time to rethink and restructure strategies. Mention that you feel you need a quick time out, and plan to discuss the issue with your partner in a few minutes. Set a timer so that you will both know when it is time to regroup and start the conversation. Perhaps wash your face off with some cool water or take a walk outside to get some fresh air. While the two of you are away on your breaks, try not to think of how to continue the argument when you return. Instead, refer back to steps 1 and 2 by breathing and being mindful. Now that you’ve had a break and your physiological responses have gone down, the two of you can try to piece together a reconciliation.
