by Jasmine Mauss, MS, LGMFT
As we know, disagreements are inevitable in any romantic relationship. There will undoubtedly be ideas, philosophies, opinions, and concerns that you and your partner wholeheartedly disagree on at some point over the course of being together. When situations like this arise, oftentimes we fail to take a moment to pause and reflect. Instead, we let anger and defensiveness blindly lead us through our interactions. Remember that these differences do not always have to define our relationships. It is entirely possible to (respectfully) agree to disagree!
1. Inhale & Exhale: Yes, it is frustrating that your partner does not agree with you! Try not to get too overwhelmed. Instead, try mindfully accepting that this is a normal complexity of any relationship. No relationship is ever completely congruent, and no two people are completely aligned in their thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes, no matter how extensively an argument is articulated or communicated, the foundations of it still may not connect with someone. They may simply not agree with you, and that can be okay. Try to be patient and acknowledge this, as you talk with your partner. If you are finding yourself getting agitated or upset, give yourself a second to pause and ground yourself before speaking or reacting. Take a few deep breaths, take a small time-out, or do something relaxing to center yourself before continuing.
2. Explain the Importance: Bottom line, even if you and your partner still do not end up agreeing, your biggest take away from the argument should be a general understanding of where they are coming from. And vice versa! What emotions and experiences do you think are fueling their beliefs? Can you think of reasons why your partner might have this specific viewpoint? Take a second to trace back the origin of where this view may arise from. Do this for yourself as well and communicate these things as a basis for your explanation. Understanding “why” you believe something can establish easier access to compassion and empathy. Why are you arguing about this in the first place? Chances are, if your differences in beliefs have escalated to the point of contention or anger, it is probably very important for you to have your partner share this specific viewpoint. When we care about people, their thoughts, values, and opinions matter to us dearly. In the moment, it is difficult to remember that arguing is often just an attempt by two people to reach harmony.
3. Focus on Recovery: You’ve both decided that there is no middle ground here. Now what? The residual tension following an argument can lead to a build up of resentment and moodiness. Diffuse the leftover tension following the disagreement by facilitating positive interaction. Try ending your arguments with a compliment or validation. Sometimes a simple “I love you” or “I get where you’re coming from” goes a long way. Spending more time debating over the issue will leave you both exhausted and emotionally drained. So why do it? Be affectionate, exude warmth, and foster positive regard for one another. Capitalizing on this vulnerable moment post-argument can be beneficial for your relationship. It can be used as a way to reconnect and find value in your differences: a time to appreciate your individuality, move forward, and agree to disagree.
