by Lauren Anderson, LCMFT

Many of us grow up with the message that when we find “the one,” our partners will know us so well that we won’t ever need to tell them what we’re feeling. We’ll be so connected that we’ll “just know.” What a romantic idea! Unfortunately, this is not reality. Even after years and years together, you and your partner are different people with different needs and wants. When we assume that our partner knows what we want or should know what we want, we often end up with nothing but resentment.

For example, say your partner has recently started to come home late from work without calling or texting. You’re annoyed and so you’ve been giving your partner hints by asking questions about their late evenings or being a bit standoffish when they try to hug or kiss you when they get home. Tonight is the fifth time they’ve come home late without calling and now you’re hopping mad! How could they possibly not know how upsetting this is to you?! When they get home, you scream at them and they seem completely bewildered.

But they should know, right?

Wrong.

Sometimes we can give all the hints in the world and people still don’t get the memo. But what is a memo? A memo is a direct, written communication. A hint is indirect and assumes that your partner knows exactly what you mean. Unfortunately, though, hints are often misinterpreted or missed altogether. The solution?

1. Communicate Directly: Yes, it can be difficult to do and even a bit scary. But give it a try. In this situation, you might say something like “Hey, I start to worry when you’re not home when I expect you. Would you please send me a text when you’re working late so I don’t worry?” You can even ask for an ETA or a text when they’re on their way home.

2. Take Responsibility: If you’re the partner that consistently comes home late, it’s your responsibility to communicate directly, too. Even if you said, “Oh, I might be working late this evening…” at the beginning of the day, one text can go a long way to helping your partner feel heard and connected.

3. Avoid Mindreading: This all seems simple and maybe even a little dumb, but the cool thing about knowing your partner can’t read your mind (and by the way, you can’t read theirs) is that there’s always more to learn and discover about each other. Now THAT’S romantic!