by Meg Tenny, LCMFT
Intimacy is like a muscle – you need to exercise emotional intimacy in your relationship to maintain a good connection with your partner. If you feel disconnected or swept along by life, there are a few easy ways to reestablish closeness. These exercises may sound silly, but if you invest the time, they usually work or are at least good for a laugh:
1. 36 Questions: Have you heard of Arthur Aron’s 36 Questions that foster intimacy? This psychologist assembled a list of questions that “accelerate” intimacy, including things like “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” and “What is your most treasured memory?” This exercise takes about 45 minutes and Aron’s research indicates that intimacy is sped up by vulnerability, and that even strangers can feel very close to one another after completing the list.
2. Soul Gazing: Have you really looked at your partner lately? How is your eye contact? In this exercise, face your partner squarely. You can hold hands or touch knees together, and have 5 minutes of uninterrupted eye contact without speaking. It is a simple technique, but as the minutes tick by, the awkwardness and distractions around you melt away. One variation of this intimacy exercise is the extended hug. You will find that at first, you may be tense, but after a few minutes, partners “settle” into each other and relax, and you start to feel comfortable.
3. Practice Your Partner’s Love Language: Gary Chapman wrote about “The Five Love Languages,” including physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. His concept was that each person has their own way of expressing and receiving love. You can take a quiz on Chapman’s website to determine your own love languages and your partner’s love languages. Once you figure out your partner’s love language, make an effort to meet them in their language. For example, if your spouse’s love language is words of affirmation, leave them little notes that you love them and are thinking of them. If their love language is gifts, stop on the way home and pick up their favorite ice cream. Your partner will better accept and recognize your efforts if they are in a love language that they intuitively understand.
