by Lauren Anderson, LCMFT
Anger. We see it and feel it virtually everywhere these days. Our media is rife with it – from politics to entertainment – people are MAD. Anger is what Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, calls a “secondary emotion.” The idea is that some feelings actually have other emotions beneath them. Those hidden emotions are called primary emotions. The secondary emotions are simply reactions to the primary ones. Primary emotions tend to feel more vulnerable and raw. What’s usually underneath anger? Fear. Pain. Sadness. Those emotions can sometimes be a lot harder to share.
Think about the times your partner has expressed anger toward you and how you reacted. You probably got defensive or maybe even frightened, right? Would it have been easier to hear if they’d come to you saying they were scared, hurt, or upset? It’s a lot to ask, I know, especially when you’re feeling really mad! So, here are three steps to help you get in touch with and express your primary emotions in your relationship.
1. Breathe: When you’re angry, your pre-frontal cortex – the logical, decision-making part of your brain – goes offline. You literally flip your lid! It’s difficult to think clearly or rationally. So you must breathe. Try slowly counting to 5 as you breathe in and another 5 as you breathe out, five times. This will help you slow down and get the rational part of your brain back online.
2. Think: What caused that anger? Were you scared because your partner or child came home late and didn’t call? Were you hurt because your partner forgot your anniversary? Try to find the feeling beneath the anger.
3. Express: Now you’re a little calmer and you know exactly what’s bothering you. How can you communicate that to your partner in a constructive way? “I was scared when I didn’t hear from you. Could you please call me next time so I don’t worry?” Expressing your primary feelings might get you heard in a whole new way!
