BLOG

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

If you are a people-pleaser, you have trouble saying no when you are asked to do something. People-pleasers tend to be those who put others’ needs before their own and look for validation outside of themselves. They enjoy feeling needed and worry about other peoples’ negative reactions. People-pleasing can cause emotional and physical illness and, ultimately, lead to burn out. Learning how to say no becomes an integral first step to bringing people-pleasing behavior to an end.

1. Prioritize Your Life: Pick three top priorities in your life. For example, are work performance and/or academic grades important to you? Is spending time with family or friends a priority? Is working on your relationship critical? Make your goals very specific. For example, “I want to spend more quality time with my spouse by doing at least one date night a week.” People-pleasers often prioritize other peoples’ goals over their own. You will need to know your priorities, so that you can make an informed choice when the time comes to decide.

2. Delay Your Response: When a request is made, don’t agree to it right away, even if you think you would like to say yes. Say “Let me think about that and I will get back to you by tomorrow.” Then you can sit on the decision and see if you have the time, desire and energy to honor the request, and consider whether the request matches your life priorities. If you decide to say no, you can say, “I checked my calendar, and unfortunately, I won’t be able to meet your request.” If the person tries to convince you otherwise, use the broken-record technique. Calmly repeat the same statement you already made until the request stops.

3. Accept that You Can’t Make Everyone Happy: This is a tough one for people-pleasers. You will have to come to recognize that there may always be someone who is unhappy, no matter how much you might go out of your way to help them. You can’t be everything to everyone. Understand that, even if they have negative reactions to you saying no, most of the time, they will get beyond it. You will have to practice dealing with other people’s feelings of anger or disappoint without internalizing them. You might consider seeing a therapist to explore and work through deeper issues with conflict avoidance, guilt and anxiety, or low self-confidence.

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

You’ve finally gotten to the point where you are ready to get some help with your relationship. So you research therapists online and you’re all set to make your first appointment! However, not only do you receive a lukewarm response from your spouse, it is a flat-out refusal to attend couples therapy with you.  Timing is important in couples therapy; both partners have to be ready to delve into daunting marital issues. The longer you wait, the more difficult fixing the problems can be. How can you convince your partner to attend couples therapy?

1. Choose a New Therapist: Start fresh with a therapist who is new to both yourself and your partner. There is nothing more unappealing to a spouse than going to see your individual therapist for couples therapy. Many partners assume that there is an alliance between you and your therapist that favors you, which creates an imbalance in the therapy from the get-go. Make sure to choose a Marriage and Family Therapist who is trained to help with your relationship dynamic. You can find a licensed MFT here: www.therapistlocator.net

2. Request One Session: Ask your significant other to attend one session with you.  Let’s be realistic. One session won’t fix your marital problems. But one session will give both of you a chance to see if the therapist is a good fit for you and vice versa. It is possible that your partner will view the therapist as empathic and helpful, and gain more hope that issues can be resolved. It may be enough for your spouse to agree to continue therapy, or at least to engage in the process.

3. Make an Effort: If your partner repeatedly says no to couples therapy, you can always attend individual therapy to work on your own contributions to the marriage. You can’t control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control your own. Getting help for yourself shows your partner that you are taking responsibility for the role you have played in relationship distress and that you are making a genuine attempt to correct those things. Share your progress in individual therapy with your spouse to keep them in the loop.

by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT

One of the underlying problems with being together in a relationship over a period of time is that we sometimes forget to show our partner that we appreciate them. But let’s not also forget that we also feel good about ourselves when we feel appreciated as well. The scary thing with this dilemma is that couples usually “guess” that they show appreciation to their partner and at the same time know they are appreciated. Here are three easy steps to ensure that both you and your partner show appreciation.

1. Your Small Actions Do Matter: It’s easy to think about doing something big to pull this off. But, the key to making sure that your actions of appreciation are more often and consistent is to think about the small gestures that will matter to your partner. This is when knowing your partner will pay off and will make both of you feel good!

2. Explicitly Verbalize Your Appreciation: This goes without saying but your partner won’t know if you don’t say anything on what the gesture is about? Also be mindful that when you explicitly express your appreciation, you are in a positive mood. Caution – if you are the partner showing appreciation in that moment, do not obligate your partner to do so as well immediately. Your gesture will most likely motivate them to show you their appreciation of you at some point soon.

3. Expand Your Thank You’s: Whenever your partner does something for you whether basic (e.g., picking up your dry cleaning) or something extravagant (e.g., an expensive outing), it is not just enough to say “Thank you” anymore. Expand that sentiment afterwards by expressing how meaningful the gesture was in terms of how it made you feel and how it positively impacted your day.

by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

You broke your partner’s trust and it doesn’t look good. You wonder if they will ever trust you again. In the aftermath of infidelity, how do you rebuild trust? There are some positive efforts that you can make in your relationship.

1. Be trustworthy: This seems like a no-brainer, right? But people often struggle to be consistently transparent. Don’t hide things or act secretively. If you prize your privacy, you are going to have to let it go.This is the time to earn your partner’s trust back, so be open and obvious about your intentions.

2. Fix your boundaries: You and your spouse need to come to some agreement on boundaries that can protect your marriage.  Is it okay to send and receive late night texts from friends (same and opposite sex)? What is your definition of flirting? What is your definition of inappropriate emotional and physical contact with a person outside of the marriage?

3. Hear your partner’s pain: Be patient and loving towards your partner. Sit with them when they are feeling bad about what happened and want to talk about it. Expect that you will have repetitive conversations, but that it gets better over time if your spouse sees that you understand their feelings. Once your partner witnesses your investment in the marriage, the hope that trust can rebuild will grow.