by Rolonda Williams, MS, LGMFT
One of the most common challenges that people cite as the root of conflict in relationships is communication. Communication is a broad term that we generally understand as exchanging information, thoughts, and beliefs. However, we don’t commonly consider emotional intelligence as part of communication. Emotional intelligence is a major component of communication, but is often absent when interacting with others. It is defined as the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically (dictionary.com, 2018). When faced with challenging communication, we may find it difficult to express our emotions or prevent our sadness and disappointment from escalating to rage. Most importantly, we don’t always recognize and validate the emotions of the other person. In order to improve this, we must focus specifically on communication of negative emotions. Emotional intelligence demonstrates a capacity to communicate beyond the normative level. It takes a change in mindset, a change in the communication pattern, and an effort in your own emotional regulation. Incorporating factors of emotional intelligence into our communication helps up to be in tune with our loved ones. It sets a framework for positive exchange and eliminates negative communication habits. The following tips are ways to improve emotional intelligence:
1. Validate Feelings: Don’t be afraid to validate the other person first by acknowledging the emotions they articulate or display. Sometimes we must model good communication in order to change interactions. Be careful, though. Good validation is never followed by the words “but” or “I disagree.”
2. Check-In & Articulate: Evaluate your emotions and focus on your own emotion regulation before and then throughout the interaction. Tap into your deeper emotions by communicating them aloud. Sadness or disappointment often underlies anger, yet, anger is what is most often exhibited to others. This may mean expanding your feelings vocabulary and articulating them.
3. Be Patient: Changing a set pattern of communication does not happen overnight. If you have been communicating the same way for many years, don’t be surprised if your communication with others hasn’t drastically and quickly improved. It takes consistent, long-term effort and practice.
Don’t forget to talk with your therapist about continuing to improve your emotional intelligence to facilitate healthy communication and to improve your relationship with yourself and others.
