by John Hart, PhD, LGMFT
Many partners have shared with me, both individually and in front of their partner, that they find themselves fearful of expressing their true thoughts and feelings towards each other. Common fears have included: “I do not want them to be mad at me;” “I do not want to hurt their feelings;” or “What’s the point of sharing if it will not change them or change the situation?” These are some genuine concerns. As a therapist, I recognize that these sentiments are grounded in the notion that we do not want things to escalate in our relationships. However, fear should not persistently prevent you from sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner. One of the benefits of being in a romantic relationship with someone is the shared intimacy and relatedness that comes from being open and expressive with our partners. Instead of holding back because of fear, use a different framework to express yourself in a healthier way. When you express yourself in a healthier way, both parties win because you are able to be open and heard while your partner is able to better listen and respond to you in a manner that will be more emotionally supportive. Here are 3 basic steps you can use to reduce your fear and feel more comfortable expressing yourself to your partner:
1. Be Vulnerable, NOT Reactive: I always stress to my clients that reactivity towards your partner creates conflict and distance. The goal is to relate and connect with your partner and being vulnerable is important. Focus on your vulnerable feelings (e.g. hurt, sadness, disappointment, shame, etc.) and not the reactive feelings (e.g. anger, frustration, worry, etc.). Expressing reactive feelings can turn anyone off, so be sure that when you express yourself, slow down and identify your vulnerable feelings and thoughts and deliver them in a softer way.
2. Own Your Feelings: Owning your thoughts and feelings will be important whenever you feel the need to express yourself to your partner. Claim it! Stay away from blameworthy statements like “you made me feel” because your partner will shut down their listening sensors very quickly. It is better to use “I feel” or “I believe that” instead. It is important to claim your thoughts and feelings, staying away from guessing or assuming the thoughts and feelings of your partner.
3. Check-In: Because the fear of hurting your partner tends to govern your ability to express genuine thoughts and feelings, why not check in with your partner both during and after a conversation? Check-ins during a conversation are valuable opportunities for partners to gauge how the conversation is flowing and make appropriate adjustments. When checking-in during the conversation, simply ask your partner, “Are you okay…can we still continue this talk?” Then check-in after the conversation to reach out and provide any support your partner may need (especially if it was difficult discussion), by asking, “How was that conversation for you? Is there anything you need from me?”