by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT
When the holiday season arrives, it feels like a hectic family free-for-all. Trying to juggle celebrating long-standing traditions, relationships with relatives, and stressful factors like travel can add up to a frenzied time of year.
1. Negotiate family holidays early: Work with your partner to negotiate holidays ahead of time, like one year prior. Find a system that works for you, whether that includes time with each partner’s extended family, time with your children at home, or going on a destination vacation. Make sure the system is fair to each partner and shows value to each partner’s family of origin, regardless of the relationships with those members. Navigate feelings around visiting arrangements, such as staying in a parent’s home or in a neutral zone (like a hotel) before you arrive. Understand that the emphasis is put on quality time with relatives and carrying on revered traditions that have brought kin together over generations.
2. Start a new couple tradition: Celebrating old traditions is a time-honored method of paying homage to family culture and remembering members that have passed on. It is also valuable to take some time alone to show someone who is in the “here and now” that they are important to you – your spouse. If there is an adult sibling or a grandparent around, speak to them about the possibility of babysitting while you and your partner have a couple date. Try something that you haven’t before, or alternatively, do something that you used to do when you first started dating. You can start a new tradition that celebrates you as a couple during this giving time of year and it also reminds your spouse that you don’t take them for granted.
3. Remember to have fun: It is easy to let the stress get to you and to become snippy with your partner. Don’t lose sight of what the holidays are all about: quality time with family and having fun. If you are too frazzled to have any fun, you need to re-center yourself to appreciate the valuable things in life – family for whom you are grateful, including your spouse. Therapy can help you negotiate and manage the stress level in your relationship. Even though it is tempting to hit the pause button on therapy over the holiday season because you are so busy, it is a good time to keep attending to deal with taxing issues as they arise.
