by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT
Monday, August 12
The therapeutic process is about change. A key element in achieving change in yourself or in your relationship is effort. When couples start therapy, they ask, “Do people really change?” What they are really asking is, “Will my partner be willing and able to meet my needs?” The short answer is yes, people can change, but you have to want to change. The old adage, “Where there is a will, there is a way,” accurately describes change momentum. Here are some tips about how to succeed in your transformation.
1. Share Responsibility: Change starts with taking personal responsibility. No one can make change happen for you, including your partner and your therapist, so focus on what you do have control over – yourself. Couples may consider asking themselves, “What am I contributing to the positive and negative issues in my relationship?” Take an honest inventory. Even if you believe your partner is responsible for creating most of the strife in your relationship, you still carry some responsibility here. Verbalize your thoughts to your partner and hold yourself accountable for any issues you have created, compounded, or aggravated.
2. Take Action: Change occurs in two steps: awareness and action. If you committed to making efforts towards change, what would it look like? What are some smaller concrete steps you can take to achieve change? Your list may include making commitments to being more positive or patient with your partner, eliminating criticism and verbal interruptions in your relationship communication pattern, or resolving to avoid verbal escalation with your partner. Steps could also be addressing your own mental health and self-care by scheduling an appointment with an individual therapist or a psychiatrist to manage depression, anxiety, and stress, starting an exercise regime, taking a mental health day, or starting treatment for substance use concerns.
3. Take Stock of Desire: Once you have identified the problems you are contributing to your relationship and have a plan, it is time to truthfully assess your desire to implement changes. Change, for most people, is challenging and anxiety-provoking. As human beings, we prefer maintaining homeostasis; that is, keeping things the same even if they are not the healthiest situations because it feels familiar and safe. For true change to occur, you will need to take stock of whether you really want to make changes. Ask yourself, “Do I want to continue my relationship?” “Do I see value in making a reinvestment of time, love, and energy to my partner?” “What is my motivation to improve my relationship?” If the will to improve yourself or your relationship is missing, it will be difficult to muster the momentum to realize change. Don’t underestimate the power of hope and the willingness to try. A positive attitude and hopefulness about the future can be the strongest driving forces in helping you accomplish the change you desire in your life.
