by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT
We learn so much from our families of origin; that is, the families in which we were raised. Our families pass down certain behaviors, patterns, and beliefs in two ways: “nature” and “nurture.” Genetically, our parents pass down certain traits to us known as “nature.” “Nurture” includes patterns of communication, behaviors and interactions, and even coping skills. These characteristics are then often carried into our adult relationships. Below are some common traits that are passed down to us and into our relationships from our families of origin.
1. Attachment Style: There are three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. These styles are passed down to us depending on how the primary caregiver (mom or dad) treated us as a child. Secure children will consider mom or dad a steady “home base” and will feel comfortable taking calculated risks to explore and venture out into the world, and then return. Secure attachment styles grow up to have healthy boundaries with their partners later in life. They value their independence, each other’s differences, and their time together. Perhaps, however, a child felt that their parent’s love was conditional and that they would abandon them. This is the anxious attachment style which will lead to a dependent (clingy) partner who is in constant need of reassurance in the relationship. An avoidant attachment style grew up feeling rejected or hurt. This style is emotionally-guarded in a relationship making it difficult for their partner to get close to them, and sometimes have already decided that people will fail them.
2. Communication Patterns: We learn our communication patterns from our families of origin. Our families set our expectations for communicating feelings, fighting, and resolving conflict. How did your parents resolve issues – calmly or by screaming and yelling? Did they express their feelings and encourage their children to express their feelings appropriately to one another? We most likely mimic these patterns of behavior in our future relationships.
3. Family Rules – Did you ever have a fight with your spouse about what the family vacation should look like or feel disappointed with how the vacation went because it was different than what your family used to do for vacations? This is one example of unspoken family rules that are ingrained from an early age. How does the family spend quality time together, show that they care for one another, and what “counts” as family time? People usually become aware of their family rules only when they enter into a serious relationship and are confronted by their partner’s family rules. This is very often the case of parenting rules as well, which are belief systems passed down by our parents to us.
The good news is that if we become aware of the family of origin patterns that we bring into our relationships, we can better address it as adults with choices. For instance, do you agree with the family rules you grew up with or do you wish to alter them in your “new” family unit? Each partner should think about the positive aspects that each can bring from their families and what are the negative aspects that each would like to change? It is worth the time and effort to have a conversation with your partner about your different family of origin patterns, in order to make decisions about how you would like to live your life together and create your own family rules.
