by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT
If you are a people-pleaser, you have trouble saying no when you are asked to do something. People-pleasers tend to be those who put others’ needs before their own and look for validation outside of themselves. They enjoy feeling needed and worry about other peoples’ negative reactions. People-pleasing can cause emotional and physical illness and, ultimately, lead to burn out. Learning how to say no becomes an integral first step to bringing people-pleasing behavior to an end.
1. Prioritize Your Life: Pick three top priorities in your life. For example, are work performance and/or academic grades important to you? Is spending time with family or friends a priority? Is working on your relationship critical? Make your goals very specific. For example, “I want to spend more quality time with my spouse by doing at least one date night a week.” People-pleasers often prioritize other peoples’ goals over their own. You will need to know your priorities, so that you can make an informed choice when the time comes to decide.
2. Delay Your Response: When a request is made, don’t agree to it right away, even if you think you would like to say yes. Say “Let me think about that and I will get back to you by tomorrow.” Then you can sit on the decision and see if you have the time, desire and energy to honor the request, and consider whether the request matches your life priorities. If you decide to say no, you can say, “I checked my calendar, and unfortunately, I won’t be able to meet your request.” If the person tries to convince you otherwise, use the broken-record technique. Calmly repeat the same statement you already made until the request stops.
3. Accept that You Can’t Make Everyone Happy: This is a tough one for people-pleasers. You will have to come to recognize that there may always be someone who is unhappy, no matter how much you might go out of your way to help them. You can’t be everything to everyone. Understand that, even if they have negative reactions to you saying no, most of the time, they will get beyond it. You will have to practice dealing with other people’s feelings of anger or disappoint without internalizing them. You might consider seeing a therapist to explore and work through deeper issues with conflict avoidance, guilt and anxiety, or low self-confidence.
