by Meg Tenny, MS, LCMFT

You’ve finally gotten to the point where you are ready to get some help with your relationship. So you research therapists online and you’re all set to make your first appointment! However, not only do you receive a lukewarm response from your spouse, it is a flat-out refusal to attend couples therapy with you.  Timing is important in couples therapy; both partners have to be ready to delve into daunting marital issues. The longer you wait, the more difficult fixing the problems can be. How can you convince your partner to attend couples therapy?

1. Choose a New Therapist: Start fresh with a therapist who is new to both yourself and your partner. There is nothing more unappealing to a spouse than going to see your individual therapist for couples therapy. Many partners assume that there is an alliance between you and your therapist that favors you, which creates an imbalance in the therapy from the get-go. Make sure to choose a Marriage and Family Therapist who is trained to help with your relationship dynamic. You can find a licensed MFT here: www.therapistlocator.net

2. Request One Session: Ask your significant other to attend one session with you.  Let’s be realistic. One session won’t fix your marital problems. But one session will give both of you a chance to see if the therapist is a good fit for you and vice versa. It is possible that your partner will view the therapist as empathic and helpful, and gain more hope that issues can be resolved. It may be enough for your spouse to agree to continue therapy, or at least to engage in the process.

3. Make an Effort: If your partner repeatedly says no to couples therapy, you can always attend individual therapy to work on your own contributions to the marriage. You can’t control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control your own. Getting help for yourself shows your partner that you are taking responsibility for the role you have played in relationship distress and that you are making a genuine attempt to correct those things. Share your progress in individual therapy with your spouse to keep them in the loop.